Looking Back

After a year like no other, it would be really easy to look back at 2020 and reflect on all the negative stuff that happened like the pandemic and lockdown, my dad's declining Alzheimer's or Travel coming to a halt etc. But instead I am choosing to look back and focus on all the positives that have happened despite 2020 being rubbish!

At the beginning of the year I had loads of learning to do with regards to starting a business and being a travel agent. I rediscovered my love of learning, which I thought had passed me by in middle age!

I then put my big girl pants on and joined a new networking group for ladies in business. This was something that was totally alien to me and I was terrified about it. I can honestly say, after the initial anxiety of going to the first event and introducing myself and my business, it is one of the best things I have done this year. I have made some life long friends and get so much support for all aspects of my life, not just my business.

Next came lockdown. which was a challenge for us all and also when we noticed a big deterioration in my dad and his Alzheimer's. But we got through it and now my lovely mum is a dab hand at online shopping, FaceTime and using a cash machine! I'm so proud of her.

Throughout lockdown I kept in touch and formed friendships with my new Travel-pa colleagues, enjoying weekly zooms with drinks (of which there were plenty), quizzes and even fancy dress. Again building friendships even though we have never met in person.

While I was doing training and travel webinars to increase my knowledge, I also had the idea to contact the editor of our local newspaper, the Grantham Journal, and asked if they had anyone who wrote a travel blog for them. The editor got straight back to me and offered me a regular travel column, which I have been doing every 4 weeks since July.

Writing the travel column and this blog made me remember how much I love to write and inspired me to write a poem about my dad and his Alzheimer's. I submitted it to Take a Break magazine and they published it.

I find my writing really helps with my anxiety and always keep a pen and paper on my bedside table.

I'm not afraid to admit how well I have done with my travel business, considering it's my first year and we are in the midst of a Global Pandemic. I've put loads of work into it and am very proud of what I've achieved.

Other great things from this year are my eldest niece turned 18 and passed her driving test first time. My twin nieces both passed their 11+ and started High school and they love it.

After being rejected for a job I had applied for back in September I now have a full time temporary job for the next 2 months.

So 2020 may have been dire but actually, looking back, I think I did alright.

Bring it on 2021!

Freedom Vs Security

 I've had a few conversations over the last couple of weeks about the big decision I made last year to leave the security of my job in the bank, to go it alone and start a new business (and that was before COVID reared it's ugly head).

At the time I would have said it was all down to my mental health and what was best for that. Now, looking back, I can also see it was about freedom and not being part of the corporate world anymore. Recently, I heard someone say that you have to give up a level of security to get freedom and that really resonates with me. There is no point in staying in a job that makes you miserable just for your monthly pay cheque and a few benefits.

Trust me, I have learned over the last year that money isn't everything. Don't get me wrong, it certainly makes life easier, but when I had that security I couldn't be me. I was enveloped in a toxic environment and I didn't like the person I had become.

So, yes I miss the money and being able to buy what I want. But I don't miss the cliques, the back-biting and one up man ship, the fact that I was just a staff number, the uniform, some of the rules and regulations, the way different departments were treated better than the frontline staff, the targets (wrapped up in the word goals) and so many more things.

However, I am very grateful for the private healthcare when I had to have operations and treatments, the sick pay, the pension and my colleagues who covered my jobs (without complaining) when I was too ill to do so.

If it wasn't for my time at the bank I would never have met Gary and got married and live in my lovely house with our cats. I wouldn't have met my closest friends who support me and make me howl with laughter on a daily basis. My brother wouldn't have met my sister-in-law and therefore I wouldn't have my 3 amazing nieces. 

I wouldn't change my past, but it was up to me to change my future. So I did and I am now free to be me!

Triggers

 Yesterday was World Mental Health Day and ironically it was also a year since I left my job at the bank.

This would have passed me by unnoticed had it not been for Facebook memories reminding me.

I took a look at the post from last year and read the 50 or so comments from lovely people wishing me luck with my new venture after having worked for the bank for so long. But instead of feeling grateful for all the well wishes, I was triggered back to the feelings of bitterness and resentment I felt on that day last year when I again realised that not one of my colleagues had posted a comment to say goodbye or wish me well. I was reminded of my friends and family remarking on how shocked they were that, after 31 years of service all I received as a thank you and good bye was a bunch of flowers. I know that sounds ungrateful but it really did hurt.

It proved to me that, because I had been off for so long suffering with anxiety and depression that I was 'out of sight, out of mind'

I shared the memory to my Facebook page and even added that I wondered if anyone had noticed I'd gone yet. They obviously haven't!

When you are at work you spend more time with your work colleagues than you do your family. You share stories, thoughts and feelings with them. You socialise and become part of their memories, celebrating birthdays, weddings and new babies. Then.......nothing. You only hear from one colleague that you worked with every day for years (and for that I am very grateful HJ)

When I was suffering badly with my depression, this used to eat away at me and make me feel paranoid. Yesterday, I did let it get to me briefly. 

Then I thought;

Do I really miss these people in my life? No not massively

Do I actually need them in my life? No I don't

Have I moved on for the better? Yes I have.

So, although these memories may trigger negative feelings, I am now strong enough not to dwell on them for days on end.

#bekind #worldmentalhealthday #mentalhealthawareness

Dealing with rejection

We've all be rejected at some point in our lives and some of us take it more personally than others, as some people are more resilient than others. I am not one of those people.

Unfortunately, due to my sensitive nature I do take rejection to heart and take it personally, whether it is being rejected by a 'friend', a potential client, a company where you have applied for a job, you know what I mean.

This was brought to a head for me yesterday. 

Due to the way the travel industry is at the moment, I took it upon myself to apply for a job, in order to gain a bit of financial security, until travel picked up again. I was quite matter of fact about the application process and told myself I wasn't that bothered and if I didn't get it then I was no worse off than I am now. 

As the interview date loomed ever closer, I did start to feel anxious about the prospect of a video interview and the fact that I hadn't actually had a job interview, outside of the bank, for many many years. Then throw into that my anxiety, self doubt and menopausal brain fog, I wasn't quite as chilled out as I first thought I would be!

Anyway, the interview came and went and, of course, as soon as it was over I began thinking of all the examples I should have said and questioning why it was over so quickly. They said they would be in touch in 7-10 days to let me know if I'd got through to the next stage. The few people that I had told were certain that, because of my background and experience then I was definitely going to get the job. I was starting to feel more confident and even started writing a list of things I would buy with my first pay packet, the first one in a year!

Then the email arrived saying thanks but no thanks. 

Luckily I was meeting some friends at the time of receiving it, so didn't crumble straight away. I waited until I got home and then fell to pieces.

 'Why didn't they want me?' 

'Why aren't I good enough?'

 'What had I done wrong?'

 'Is it because I'm too old?'

 'Is it because I was too honest about having my travel business?'

 'What could I have done differently?'

When really what I should have been thinking is, it's their loss as I would have been a valuable asset to their company. 

And I really am no worse off than I was before. 

Travel will pick up and I'm good at what I do.

Having spent the evening feeling sorry for myself and having a good cry, I slept on it, got up this morning and put my big girl pants on and carried on my day as planned.

Everything happens for a reason, I wasn't meant to get that job.

Self Doubt

 I know we all have some level of self doubt, but I noticed mine becoming more of an issue when my mental health deteriorated. And I'm pretty sure that it's linked to my anxiety and the decline in my self confidence around 18 months ago.

Don't get me wrong, I've never been overly self confident, but I could fake it like the best of them. To the point that people would be shocked if I told them I suffered with anxiety or they'd laugh if I said I was shy or introverted. But I actually am!

While I was working at the bank I was very confident in my job and became accustomed to handling large amounts of cash, answering the phone, while letting someone through the secure door and solving a query all at the same time, without even breaking a sweat. I volunteered to run meetings, train other members of staff and was the 'go to' person if other members of the team got stuck. The 'Google' of the branch if you will!

Fast forward to when I had been off with crippling anxiety and then tried to go back to work too soon. I had lost all of my self confidence and buckled under the pressures that I'd previously taken in my stride.

Luckily my therapist helped me work on rebuilding my confidence, enough to resign from a place of work that was having an adverse effect on my mental health and enough to start a whole new career.

Now this is where the self doubt creeps in again. Because I am learning all of the time, I check and re-check everything, so as not to miss any important details and ensure everything I have input is 100% correct. I write everything down before I send anything out to a client or load anything on to our systems.

Yet I find myself doubting my ability or questioning myself if someone asks those dreaded 3 words "Are you sure?". In my old job I would have categorically said "yes, I'm 100% sure" These days I tend to say "I'll double check for you" Even though I already have.

I'm sure this is something that will improve in time and with experience.

I doubted anyone would be interested in reading this blog, but it turns out you all quite like it.

I need to start believing in myself as much as others do.

And so do you.....

DIET is a four letter word.

I've spoken before about being diagnosed with Disordered Eating when I was in my mid-20's. And the whole situation with the Government tackling Obesity in the UK has brought it all back to me again.

I was teased as a kid for being fat - I wasn't fat.

I started my first diet when I was 12 because I thought I was fat - I wasn't fat.

I went on my first holiday abroad when I was 15 and wouldn't wear a bikini because I thought I was fat - I wasn't fat.

When I was 19 I was a size 12, yet still thought I was fat - I wasn't fat.

And so the cycle of yo-yo dieting continued and I tried them all:

The Hip and Thigh Diet

Slimming World - several times

Weight Watchers - several times

The 5:2 diet - made me cranky

Herballife - I hate milkshakes

Arbonne - I still hate milkshakes

The 16:8 diet

No carbs/high protein

The list goes on.

What I have realised is that yes these diets may work for the short term, but if you stray and go back to your old eating habits then the weight piles back on and then some!

So it's ok for Boris to give us £50 to fix our bikes or prescribe 12 weeks on Slimming World, but shouldn't he be tackling the reasons why some people are obese? Their mental health maybe?

If it was as easy as getting weighed in the local community centre every week and giving Beryl a clap because she's put on another pound, then surely there wouldn't be an 'obesity problem'.

As soon as a diet is mentioned to me and I am told I can't have something, it just makes me want it more. I'm not entirely stupid, I know I need to eat less and move more... simple right?

So now I am 49 and I think I am fat - I am fat! I am also short, kind, funny, reliable, loyal and loving.

Does being fate make me less of a person? NO!

Does it make me worthless? NO!

Does it make me a bad wife, daughter, sister, aunty, niece or friend? NO!

Does it make me lazy? SOMETIMES!

Does it make me think that people judge me because I'm fat? YES!

Why are we like that? Why can't we look at each other and think nice things instead of bringing each other down?

I am Lynne

I am 49

I am fat

Deal with it.....

What a difference a year makes!

This time last year I was in a very different place. Actually the whole world was, but that's a whole other story.

I had been off work on and off for 18 months with my depression and anxiety and had some really dark days. I didn't know which direction my life was heading, which made me more anxious and depressed.

Then I came to the decision that I didn't want to go back to my job of 31 one years and actually wanted to go in a completely different direction. So I resigned and started my own Travel business. I came totally out of my comfort zone, travelled to Surrey for training and began to build my business and actually some bookings.

Then along came COVID-19 and the world closed, nobody could travel, the bookings I'd made either had to be rebooked or cancelled, commission had to be paid back. What was I going to do now? Was I going to spiral back into a depression?

Funnily enough I didn't. I sought support from a ladies business networking group that I'd joined call Love Ladies Business, we chatted on zoom every fortnight and exchanged thoughts and ideas.
I started socialising with my new Travel-pa family on weekly zoom catch ups, I hadn't met any of them in real life but look forward to our weekly drinks, chats and fancy dress shenanigans. They have all been so supportive of me and so generous with their time and advice.

In fact I was feeling so much better in myself that I started reducing my meds. First I went from 40mg Citalopram down to 30mg (under the advice of my GP) and after getting used to that I have managed to reduce them down to 20mg. My biggest issue was getting off the Quetiapine though, I'd been on that to help me sleep for over a year and already tried and failed to come off it. But this time I was determined, starting with only taking one every other night and then every 2 nights, until I was finally off them and managing to sleep. Not the full 8 hours but definitely getting there. And I am feeling so much better for it. No more wanting to sleep all day (and night) and my mind is clearer, (apart from the menopausal brain fog!)

So I have started putting all my time and energy into trying to make my business a success, getting my name out there on social media etc. Then one night I was lying in bed overthinking and I realised that I hadn't seen anyone covering travel in our local newspaper...maybe I could do that? I found the email address for the Editor and emailed her asking if she would like me to write a travel blog for the paper. I heard back from her the next day and she asked if I could send her a 350 word article for the Friday edition that week! I gladly did and am so happy to say I am now the Travel Columnist for the Grantham Journal.

I just want you to know that things do get better with time, and you are good enough. Believe in yourself as much as others do and look at what you can achieve.

In a world where you can be anything, BE KIND

In light of what has happened to Caroline Flack, I felt the need to put pen to paper (or fingers to keys)

As a fan of Caroline I always saw her as beautiful, vivacious, funny, successful and talented. She had a great laugh, a fabulous figure, amazing hair (I was always asking my hairdresser the impossible as I'd have loved hair like Caroline's), she was a great TV presenter and I was amazed what a fantastic singing voice she had too when I followed her Instagram stories as she appeared in Chicago The Musical.
For so many people we saw someone who was famous, attractive, successful, rich and talented. So surely this was a woman who had everything?

It just goes to show that what we perceive isn't reality and we really don't know what's going on behind the camera or keyboard.

So please, please think before you start tearing people apart out of jealousy or your own insecurities.

We are all trying to do our best and should be building each other up to be the best we can be.

I read an interview Caroline had done where she said she'd told a friend how she was feeling and they said she was draining. One of her biggest fears was being a burden.

I know how that feels, I have felt that so many times. Fortunately my close friends never told me I was draining and without them and my family things could have been so very different.

THE TINIEST ACT OF KINDNESS CAN SAVE A LIFE.