tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6560235646288631082024-02-19T03:09:36.678-08:00Looking 4 Lynnemy Mental health journey in my own wordsLooking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-76637059532753833672021-11-15T04:16:00.003-08:002021-11-15T04:16:58.411-08:00When life gives you lemons....<p> I know I'm supposed to make lemonade but sometimes it's just too hard!</p><p>Let me catch you up on the last couple of months.</p><p>I am still adjusting to my dad being in a care home and seeing him deteriorate so quickly. The home has now been in lockdown 3 times and dad has also tested positive for Covid. Thankfully he didn't have any symptoms.</p><p>Certain things happen that make me miss him more. It was his birthday last week and we couldn't see him because of the home being in lockdown. That was tough.</p><p>I have written a chapter for a book about inspirational women and when I received a copy of the book in paperback, I was overcome with emotion thinking how much my 'old' dad would have been proud of me and wishing I could have shared the achievement with him.</p><p>Last month, after a long illness, my father-in-law passed away. I am supporting Gary as much as I can but find myself feeling guilty when I get upset about my dad because at least I will get the chance to see him and hug him again.</p><p>During all of this I decided to make a big change and move travel companies, as the consortium I was with was causing me to feel stressed and anxious. I have learnt now that when this happens I need to do something about it before it takes hold. A few years ago I would have just stewed over the things that were bothering me. I'd have had sleepless nights worrying about what to do.</p><p>Instead, I gave my feedback, did some research and terminated my contract. I have been with my new company for 4 weeks now and feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.</p><p>So onward and upward I go.</p>Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-23173238381548623222021-09-11T16:40:00.000-07:002021-09-11T16:40:10.549-07:00Dark Clouds<p>I have been really struggling over the last couple of months to keep those dark clouds at bay. But sometimes it's too much and I can feel the darkness descend and the emotions rising. Then the tears just spill from my eyes and I can't stop crying.</p><p>I know, I know its good to let it all out, but I wish I could just put a cap on it.</p><p>You might be wondering why I've taken a downward turn? Or maybe you picked up on it in my last post?</p><p>As I've mentioned before, my dad has Alzheimer's. Over the last few months it seems to have progressed quite rapidly and to the point that he was admitted to hospital for 10 days. It was then decided that the best thing for him and my mum was for him to go into a nursing home full time.</p><p>This has had a devastating effect on the whole family and my poor little dad is shadow of his former self. This disease is so cruel.</p><p>We are now grieving again. We started grieving when he was first diagnosed. Over the months I could could see the dad I knew and loved slowly slipping away from of me. Our roles changed and all of a sudden he was the child and I was the adult.</p><p>Now we are grieving because he's not at home, he's not sitting in his chair with the TV blasting, he's not pottering in the garden or his greenhouse, he's not on the doorstep waving me off after giving me a big bear hug.</p><p>I miss him. I want my dad back xx </p>Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-3164969408032226032021-08-09T06:53:00.000-07:002021-08-09T06:53:21.762-07:00In Reality<p>Not everything we share on social media is a true reflection of what is really going on in our lives is it? For me it isn't anyway.</p><p>Recently, anyone looking at my social media posts will have seen me enjoy a weekend away in London with my best friends, living my best life, shopping, drinking cocktails and champagne and having lovely meals. Then spending the next 2 weeks celebrating a milestone birthday and getting thoroughly spoilt by my friends and family. In reality and what I don't show is the struggle myself and my family are having with my dad and his deteriorating memory as he lives with Alzheimer's.</p><p>I post lovely, smiley selfies of me and my dad, which are memories I will cherish, in reality, what I don't show, is my mum and I explaining something to him for the 5th time in an hour, or him losing his temper and crying like a toddler when he doesn't get his own way.</p><p>On my Facebook page I will share fabulous days out with my best friend. In reality I have spent all day checking my phone for messages because my dad has been admitted to hospital and I've been asked by the hospital to go and sit with him to try and keep him calm.</p><p>Check my Instagram stories and there will be pictures of fancy cocktails and posh food, when in reality I was on a night out without Gary because he needs to take care of his seriously ill father.</p><p>Look at my Linkedin page and I am raving about my latest networking event and all the lovely people I have met. In reality I have hardly slept the night before worrying about how my mum is coping with my dad and his volatile moods.</p><p>So when you are checking out someone's socials, before you feel envious or comment that they are spoilt, jammy or lucky (we've all done it!) please remember that everything is not always as it seems.</p><p>Be Kind.....</p><p><br /></p>Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-13937975003521677672021-05-12T04:55:00.000-07:002021-05-12T04:55:26.811-07:00Life is Cruel<p>I've mentioned my parents many times before and thought it was time to share a bit more about our relationship.</p><p>Like many of you I think I have the best parents in the world.</p><p>My mum has been my nurse, my chef, my therapist, my cleaner, my cheerleader, my strength, my inspiration and my best friend.</p><p>My dad has been my taxi driver, my bank manager, my bouncer, my builder of furniture, my driving instructor, my protector and my hero.</p><p>I have always been a daddy's girl.</p><p>Imagine the shock and devastation when my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 18 months ago. </p><p>Mum and I had started to notice that he was forgetting words or struggling to find the right thing to say and he was losing his confidence. He no longer wanted to take charge and order meals or go to the bar. We urged him to go to the doctors and when he eventually did he was told it was just down to 'old age'. We knew it wasn't and his memory started getting worse, probably not as noticeable to others but certainly to us.</p><p>We pushed and pushed and finally got the GP to give him a memory test. This came back as 'mild Cognitive Impairment'. It didn't seem mild.</p><p>Finally, 4 years later and after a lot of phone calls we managed to get him assessed at a Memory Clinic and he also had a CT scan.</p><p>As we had suspected, it was Alzheimer's. Just like my Gran (my dad's mum)</p><p>The start of dad's rapid decline was when he was told he could no longer drive and we had to take his car away. That was his independence taken off him and he was devastated.</p><p>Then only a few months later was the first lockdown and I couldn't go into my parents' house for 12 weeks. There weren't support bubbles then. Dad was getting more and more confused and it was a strain on my mum. I could only see them on FaceTime, which dad struggled with, or chat to them on the doorstep when I was dropping off their shopping.</p><p>Looking back, I now realise that I had started to grieve for my dad, for the dad he once was and I wouldn't get that dad back. Every time I chatted to him there was a little less of my old dad.</p><p>Mum and I are as bad as each other and wanted to protect each other from how we were feeling, not wanting to be a burden to the other or cause extra upset. Luckily mum has an amazing group of friends, as have I.</p><p>It came to a point that mum started sharing more with me about how she was feeling and how dad's behaviour and character had changed. We support each other and talk or text every day.</p><p>One thing that hasn't change with dad is his love for me and mine for him.</p><p>I cherish every hug and kiss and every time he tells me he loves me.</p><p>I whisper in his ear "Don't ever forget how much I love you"</p><p>So now the roles are reversed. I am his taxi driver, his protector and his hero.</p><p>Life is cruel.</p><p>Alzheimer's is cruel.</p><p>This is a poem I wrote last year....</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Alzheimer’s
is taking my dad from me<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">He’s not the
dad he used to be<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">He was
always my hero, my number one<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The person I
went to when I wanted something done<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Alzheimer’s
is taking my dad from me<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">He’s not the
dad he used to be<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I miss him
even though he’s still here<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I can still
hug him tight and keep him near.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Alzheimer’s
is taking my dad from me<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">He’s not the
dad he used to be<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I have so
many memories to cherish and keep<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">And think of
them often when I’m falling asleep<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Alzheimer’s
is taking my dad from me<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">He’s not the
dad he used to be<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">We have a
lot of stories and photos from over the years<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A lot of
them now bring me to tears<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Alzheimer’s
is taking my dad from me<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">He’s not the
dad he used to be<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I grieve for
him now even though he’s not gone<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I try to
stay strong for him and mum<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Alzheimer’s
is taking my dad from me<o:p></o:p></span></p><p>
</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">He’s not the
dad he used to be.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-31335129144512532982021-04-13T09:37:00.002-07:002021-04-13T09:37:22.056-07:00The Real World<p>Is anyone else feeling anxious about getting back to the real world and socialising again or is it just me? </p><p>I've definitely felt a little overwhelmed over the last few days for a variety of different reasons.</p><p>One of the main reasons for my looming anxiety is worrying about what people will think when they see me after such a long time. In my own head I am constantly thinking that I should warn them not to be shocked when they see me because I've put weight on. Don't get me wrong I'm not exactly at Jabba the Hut proportions yet, but I am not feeling great.</p><p>In reality I would hope that my friends and family will just be happy to see me whether I'm fatter or not. But I have certainly had thoughts of self-loathing creeping back into my head and have been fretting about what clothes I'm going to wear for the various gatherings I am starting to get booked. Like a lot of people I have spent the last year in sweat pants, just throwing on a nice top and some lippy if I'm on a zoom call.</p><p>I have felt very secure in my little bubble at home. Just Gary and I, our cats and being a support bubble for my mum and dad. Other than them I haven't really seen anyone in real life, apart from the occasional doorstep visit from my best friend. I haven't been to the shops as I have everything I need delivered. The thought of going into a busy shop fills me with dread.</p><p>This afternoon I bit the bullet and, as I needed to go to the post office, I decided to venture into TK Maxx. If there had been a queue to get in then I wouldn't have bothered. But I walked straight in, antibac'd my hands and started browsing. This was my thought process.....</p><p>"Okay, this isn't too bad, it's not too busy and very well organised.</p><p>But I hate wearing a face mask.</p><p>I'll go upstairs for a bit.</p><p>Right I'm definitely feeling uncomfortable now. It's hot under this mask and I can't breath properly. </p><p>I need to get out"</p><p>I can feel a panic attack coming on as my breathing gets faster.</p><p>"Fight or flight? Fight or Flight?</p><p>Okay Lynne remember everything you've learned....in through your nose for the count of 4, hold for 2 and out through the mouth for 4.... And calm."</p><p>I did it, I stayed and didn't have to rush out of there in a state of panic.</p><p>Hurdle one - tick!</p><p>Now I've just got to have a word with myself about how I'm feeling with regards to the way I look and maybe try and be a bit kinder to myself.</p><p>There's a lot to be said for a bit of self-love.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-16151448654157034892021-03-18T08:15:00.003-07:002021-03-18T08:15:40.891-07:00Imposter Syndrome<p> I only became aware of Imposter Syndrome in the last year or so, but realised it has been a 'thing' for a long time.</p><p>I've been learning about it from my friend Kim, who describes it as "dealing with that inner voice that is constantly telling you that you're not good enough, that you're going to get found out, that you're a fraud, that you can't do the things that you are doing. You are going to make a fool of yourself, you're going to look stupid."</p><p>When I was chatting with Kim about this I had a light bulb moment and I really resonated with it. And in so many different times in my life too.</p><p>Thinking back to when I worked at the bank many years ago, I remembered when I won 'Counter manager of the Year' award. I'd worked really hard for it along with my amazing team at the time. Only for my then Line Manager to tell me I had a certain member of my team to thank for winning it, insinuating that I was riding on her coat tails and I didn't deserve the award at all! It wasn't very often I got any gratitude or congratulations from that particular manager. I never felt appreciated and therefore never thought I was outstanding at anything I did. I now realise that working in an environment where, if you achieved something and did well you were spoken about negatively behind closed doors, rather than being acknowledged for the work you had done and what you had accomplished, fuelled my imposter syndrome.</p><p>I've always thought I was pretty average at everything, even though my parents have always been my greatest cheerleaders and have been very proud of everything I have ever achieved and encouraged me all the way.</p><p>So when things happen like becoming the travel columnist for the Grantham Journal, I definitely felt like I had Imposter Syndrome. I'm not a proper writer and I'm certainly not a journalist. I'm just a middle-aged, menopausal woman who's changed her career and is trying to get her new travel business off the ground amidst a global pandemic.</p><p>Then that inner voice told me I would only get one column published and it was a fluke. Each month, when I emailed the editor with my next column, I was expecting it not to be published. But there it was and has been every month since July.</p><p>When I made the decision to leave the bank and become self-employed as a travel agent (something I knew very little about) that voice in my head kept saying "What if it all goes wrong? What if you can't learn their computer systems? What if you make a massive error?" "What if you've given up a secure job and your business is a failure?" "What if you don't get any bookings?"</p><p>It is like having that little devil on your shoulder and you just have to flick it away.</p><p>There are some people out there that find Imposter Syndrome debilitating, as they are always in a constant battle to take control.</p><p>Thanks to my amazing friends and support system that devil on my shoulder is more of a whisper than a big booming voice!</p>Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-63938860303919505702021-02-07T04:06:00.000-08:002021-02-07T04:06:09.969-08:00Having a Wobble<p> It's not just me is it? This lockdown is a lot tougher than the first two. Well, I know it's not just me because my friends are saying the same things as I am.</p><p>As much as I am the epitome of a home bird, and love to snuggle up on the sofa with my cats (and sometimes Gary) and binge-watch Netflix, I am really missing going out socialising. I don't even mean going 'out out'. I mean just going to a local cafe for brunch or a coffee and a catch-up with my friends. Zoom and FaceTime are all well and good but it's just not the same as seeing someone in person.</p><p>And don't even get me started on hugs! Gary gives great bear hugs, but I really miss giving my friends a squeeze, even the ones that don't enjoy them (you know who you are!)</p><p>I try and keep this blog as positive as I can, so I did think twice before writing this post. But I also want to keep this space real and the reality is we all feel a bit crappy!</p><p>I'm not ashamed to say I've broken down a few times over the last couple of weeks. Times when I've really wanted to hug my friends tightly.</p><p>It's not just the fact that we are stuck indoors. It's also the culmination of my old anxieties, worrying about my travel business and the future of the travel industry. I was trying to balance that and working full time, for an atrocious contact centre, who micro-managed your every move. Throw in the guilt I was feeling of not being able to go round and see mum and dad as often (I'm their support bubble) and that is what brought on my wobble.</p><p>But it's allowed, not just for me but of us all. You don't have to keep it together all of the time.</p><p>To end things on a more positive note, my contract with that dire contact centre has come to an end and I am free!</p><p>I have more full time work on the horizon, which will be much more flexible as they have a great work home life balance ethos.</p><p>And, everyone is desperate to go on holiday when this shit show is over, so I am raring to go and make my business a success.</p><p>I've said it before and I'll say it again.....</p><p>It's ok not to be ok.</p>Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-80301474774612937772021-01-10T04:53:00.004-08:002021-01-10T04:53:42.039-08:00Resolutions<p> New Year New Me right?</p><p>I don't think so! That would imply there was something wrong with the old me! Not that I am anywhere near perfect but I've done ok.</p><p>Don't New Year Resolutions just set you up for a fall? I can honestly say over the years I don't think I have ever stuck to all of my resolutions if any. And then that list is just a reminder of what I've failed at for another 12 months. When actually, as I said in my last post, I've done pretty well over the last year. If my resolution list on 1st January 2020 had said </p><p></p><ol style="text-align: left;"><li>Keep doing holiday bookings through a global pandemic</li><li>Become a travel columnist for the Grantham Journal</li><li>Get a poem published in Take a Break magazine</li><li>Join a networking group</li><li>Win an All Inclusive holiday to Turkey (yes I did!)</li><li>Get a full time job working from home (whilst running your business)</li><li>Make new friends for life (some of which you have never met in person)</li></ol><div>Then I would have achieved all my goals, big pat on the back for me, what a successful year.</div><div><br /></div><div>However, my normal list would have looked more like this</div><div><br /></div><div><ol style="text-align: left;"><li>Lose weight</li><li>Drop a dress size</li><li>Do 10,000 steps a day</li><li>Cut out carbs</li><li>Cut down on shopping (like that is ever going to happen!)</li></ol><div>And I wouldn't have stuck to any of those, therefore feeling like a big, fat failure once again!</div></div><div><br /></div><div>This year instead of having resolutions or goals, I will just get through this pandemic, work hard to make my business a success, be there for my family and friends and just be me.</div><div>And, when we are allowed, I am going to hug my family and friends so tightly someone may need to call the paramedics!</div><div><br /></div><div>So don't put pressure on yourself just because it's expected.</div><div><br /></div><div>The past year has been like no other, so make 2021 like no other but in the best way possible.</div><div><br /></div><div>Be kind to yourself.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><p></p>Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-17201469624482702162020-12-03T02:07:00.000-08:002020-12-03T02:07:59.176-08:00Looking Back<p>After a year like no other, it would be really easy to look back at 2020 and reflect on all the negative stuff that happened like the pandemic and lockdown, my dad's declining Alzheimer's or Travel coming to a halt etc. But instead I am choosing to look back and focus on all the positives that have happened despite 2020 being rubbish!</p><p>At the beginning of the year I had loads of learning to do with regards to starting a business and being a travel agent. I rediscovered my love of learning, which I thought had passed me by in middle age!</p><p>I then put my big girl pants on and joined a new networking group for ladies in business. This was something that was totally alien to me and I was terrified about it. I can honestly say, after the initial anxiety of going to the first event and introducing myself and my business, it is one of the best things I have done this year. I have made some life long friends and get so much support for all aspects of my life, not just my business.</p><p>Next came lockdown. which was a challenge for us all and also when we noticed a big deterioration in my dad and his Alzheimer's. But we got through it and now my lovely mum is a dab hand at online shopping, FaceTime and using a cash machine! I'm so proud of her.</p><p>Throughout lockdown I kept in touch and formed friendships with my new Travel-pa colleagues, enjoying weekly zooms with drinks (of which there were plenty), quizzes and even fancy dress. Again building friendships even though we have never met in person.</p><p>While I was doing training and travel webinars to increase my knowledge, I also had the idea to contact the editor of our local newspaper, the Grantham Journal, and asked if they had anyone who wrote a travel blog for them. The editor got straight back to me and offered me a regular travel column, which I have been doing every 4 weeks since July.</p><p>Writing the travel column and this blog made me remember how much I love to write and inspired me to write a poem about my dad and his Alzheimer's. I submitted it to Take a Break magazine and they published it.</p><p>I find my writing really helps with my anxiety and always keep a pen and paper on my bedside table.</p><p>I'm not afraid to admit how well I have done with my travel business, considering it's my first year and we are in the midst of a Global Pandemic. I've put loads of work into it and am very proud of what I've achieved.</p><p>Other great things from this year are my eldest niece turned 18 and passed her driving test first time. My twin nieces both passed their 11+ and started High school and they love it.<br /></p><p>After being rejected for a job I had applied for back in September I now have a full time temporary job for the next 2 months.</p><p>So 2020 may have been dire but actually, looking back, I think I did alright.</p><p>Bring it on 2021!</p>Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-71640891215276440622020-11-13T01:56:00.001-08:002020-11-13T01:56:15.321-08:00Freedom Vs Security<p> I've had a few conversations over the last couple of weeks about the big decision I made last year to leave the security of my job in the bank, to go it alone and start a new business (and that was before COVID reared it's ugly head).</p><p>At the time I would have said it was all down to my mental health and what was best for that. Now, looking back, I can also see it was about freedom and not being part of the corporate world anymore. Recently, I heard someone say that you have to give up a level of security to get freedom and that really resonates with me. There is no point in staying in a job that makes you miserable just for your monthly pay cheque and a few benefits.</p><p>Trust me, I have learned over the last year that money isn't everything. Don't get me wrong, it certainly makes life easier, but when I had that security I couldn't be me. I was enveloped in a toxic environment and I didn't like the person I had become.</p><p>So, yes I miss the money and being able to buy what I want. But I don't miss the cliques, the back-biting and one up man ship, the fact that I was just a staff number, the uniform, some of the rules and regulations, the way different departments were treated better than the frontline staff, the targets (wrapped up in the word goals) and so many more things.</p><p>However, I am very grateful for the private healthcare when I had to have operations and treatments, the sick pay, the pension and my colleagues who covered my jobs (without complaining) when I was too ill to do so.</p><p>If it wasn't for my time at the bank I would never have met Gary and got married and live in my lovely house with our cats. I wouldn't have met my closest friends who support me and make me howl with laughter on a daily basis. My brother wouldn't have met my sister-in-law and therefore I wouldn't have my 3 amazing nieces. </p><p>I wouldn't change my past, but it was up to me to change my future. So I did and I am now free to be me!</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdpYid-YYQlT0doFOHgYaL56KAZVq0BxotpFz4HQw2qQUbn1tEndXYYPmCt0qFGk6U0rnw885-xiz48tVa9w9rwPTpVr06dNPd2YTFvRpbOL17qaM4S_g6B-OjFJ2e4HrmJOnHZwPrTLg/s1024/Journal+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="768" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdpYid-YYQlT0doFOHgYaL56KAZVq0BxotpFz4HQw2qQUbn1tEndXYYPmCt0qFGk6U0rnw885-xiz48tVa9w9rwPTpVr06dNPd2YTFvRpbOL17qaM4S_g6B-OjFJ2e4HrmJOnHZwPrTLg/s320/Journal+pic.jpg" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-86605552042081915902020-10-11T06:43:00.000-07:002020-10-11T06:43:30.962-07:00Triggers<p> Yesterday was World Mental Health Day and ironically it was also a year since I left my job at the bank.</p><p>This would have passed me by unnoticed had it not been for Facebook memories reminding me.</p><p>I took a look at the post from last year and read the 50 or so comments from lovely people wishing me luck with my new venture after having worked for the bank for so long. But instead of feeling grateful for all the well wishes, I was triggered back to the feelings of bitterness and resentment I felt on that day last year when I again realised that not one of my colleagues had posted a comment to say goodbye or wish me well. I was reminded of my friends and family remarking on how shocked they were that, after 31 years of service all I received as a thank you and good bye was a bunch of flowers. I know that sounds ungrateful but it really did hurt.</p><p>It proved to me that, because I had been off for so long suffering with anxiety and depression that I was 'out of sight, out of mind'</p><p>I shared the memory to my Facebook page and even added that I wondered if anyone had noticed I'd gone yet. They obviously haven't!</p><p>When you are at work you spend more time with your work colleagues than you do your family. You share stories, thoughts and feelings with them. You socialise and become part of their memories, celebrating birthdays, weddings and new babies. Then.......nothing. You only hear from one colleague that you worked with every day for years (and for that I am very grateful HJ)</p><p>When I was suffering badly with my depression, this used to eat away at me and make me feel paranoid. Yesterday, I did let it get to me briefly. </p><p>Then I thought;</p><p>Do I really miss these people in my life? No not massively</p><p>Do I actually need them in my life? No I don't</p><p>Have I moved on for the better? Yes I have.</p><p>So, although these memories may trigger negative feelings, I am now strong enough not to dwell on them for days on end.</p><p>#bekind #worldmentalhealthday #mentalhealthawareness</p>Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-41151817119965580512020-10-01T06:40:00.001-07:002020-10-01T06:40:24.329-07:00Dealing with rejection<p>We've all be rejected at some point in our lives and some of us take it more personally than others, as some people are more resilient than others. I am not one of those people.</p><p>Unfortunately, due to my sensitive nature I do take rejection to heart and take it personally, whether it is being rejected by a 'friend', a potential client, a company where you have applied for a job, you know what I mean.</p><p>This was brought to a head for me yesterday. </p><p>Due to the way the travel industry is at the moment, I took it upon myself to apply for a job, in order to gain a bit of financial security, until travel picked up again. I was quite matter of fact about the application process and told myself I wasn't that bothered and if I didn't get it then I was no worse off than I am now. </p><p>As the interview date loomed ever closer, I did start to feel anxious about the prospect of a video interview and the fact that I hadn't actually had a job interview, outside of the bank, for many many years. Then throw into that my anxiety, self doubt and menopausal brain fog, I wasn't quite as chilled out as I first thought I would be!</p><p>Anyway, the interview came and went and, of course, as soon as it was over I began thinking of all the examples I should have said and questioning why it was over so quickly. They said they would be in touch in 7-10 days to let me know if I'd got through to the next stage. The few people that I had told were certain that, because of my background and experience then I was definitely going to get the job. I was starting to feel more confident and even started writing a list of things I would buy with my first pay packet, the first one in a year!</p><p>Then the email arrived saying thanks but no thanks. </p><p>Luckily I was meeting some friends at the time of receiving it, so didn't crumble straight away. I waited until I got home and then fell to pieces.</p><p> 'Why didn't they want me?' </p><p>'Why aren't I good enough?'</p><p> 'What had I done wrong?'</p><p> 'Is it because I'm too old?'</p><p> 'Is it because I was too honest about having my travel business?'</p><p> 'What could I have done differently?'</p><p>When really what I should have been thinking is, it's their loss as I would have been a valuable asset to their company. </p><p>And I really am no worse off than I was before. </p><p>Travel will pick up and I'm good at what I do.</p><p>Having spent the evening feeling sorry for myself and having a good cry, I slept on it, got up this morning and put my big girl pants on and carried on my day as planned.</p><p>Everything happens for a reason, I wasn't meant to get that job.</p>Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-50127142262645637042020-09-08T03:41:00.000-07:002020-09-08T03:41:14.368-07:00Self Doubt<p> I know we all have some level of self doubt, but I noticed mine becoming more of an issue when my mental health deteriorated. And I'm pretty sure that it's linked to my anxiety and the decline in my self confidence around 18 months ago.</p><p>Don't get me wrong, I've never been overly self confident, but I could fake it like the best of them. To the point that people would be shocked if I told them I suffered with anxiety or they'd laugh if I said I was shy or introverted. But I actually am!</p><p>While I was working at the bank I was very confident in my job and became accustomed to handling large amounts of cash, answering the phone, while letting someone through the secure door and solving a query all at the same time, without even breaking a sweat. I volunteered to run meetings, train other members of staff and was the 'go to' person if other members of the team got stuck. The 'Google' of the branch if you will!</p><p>Fast forward to when I had been off with crippling anxiety and then tried to go back to work too soon. I had lost all of my self confidence and buckled under the pressures that I'd previously taken in my stride.</p><p>Luckily my therapist helped me work on rebuilding my confidence, enough to resign from a place of work that was having an adverse effect on my mental health and enough to start a whole new career.</p><p>Now this is where the self doubt creeps in again. Because I am learning all of the time, I check and re-check everything, so as not to miss any important details and ensure everything I have input is 100% correct. I write everything down before I send anything out to a client or load anything on to our systems.</p><p>Yet I find myself doubting my ability or questioning myself if someone asks those dreaded 3 words "Are you sure?". In my old job I would have categorically said "yes, I'm 100% sure" These days I tend to say "I'll double check for you" Even though I already have.</p><p>I'm sure this is something that will improve in time and with experience.</p><p>I doubted anyone would be interested in reading this blog, but it turns out you all quite like it.</p><p>I need to start believing in myself as much as others do.</p><p>And so do you.....</p>Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-36921869622854882642020-08-03T12:30:00.002-07:002020-08-03T12:30:40.850-07:00DIET is a four letter word.I've spoken before about being diagnosed with Disordered Eating when I was in my mid-20's. And the whole situation with the Government tackling Obesity in the UK has brought it all back to me again.<div><br /></div><div>I was teased as a kid for being fat - I wasn't fat.</div><div><br /></div><div>I started my first diet when I was 12 because I thought I was fat - I wasn't fat.</div><div><br /></div><div>I went on my first holiday abroad when I was 15 and wouldn't wear a bikini because I thought I was fat - I wasn't fat.</div><div><br /></div><div>When I was 19 I was a size 12, yet still thought I was fat - I wasn't fat.</div><div><br /></div><div>And so the cycle of yo-yo dieting continued and I tried them all:</div><div>The Hip and Thigh Diet</div><div>Slimming World - several times</div><div>Weight Watchers - several times</div><div>The 5:2 diet - made me cranky</div><div>Herballife - I hate milkshakes</div><div>Arbonne - I still hate milkshakes</div><div>The 16:8 diet</div><div>No carbs/high protein</div><div>The list goes on.</div><div><br /></div><div>What I have realised is that yes these diets may work for the short term, but if you stray and go back to your old eating habits then the weight piles back on and then some!</div><div><br /></div><div>So it's ok for Boris to give us £50 to fix our bikes or prescribe 12 weeks on Slimming World, but shouldn't he be tackling the reasons why some people are obese? Their mental health maybe?</div><div><br /></div><div>If it was as easy as getting weighed in the local community centre every week and giving Beryl a clap because she's put on another pound, then surely there wouldn't be an 'obesity problem'.</div><div><br /></div><div>As soon as a diet is mentioned to me and I am told I can't have something, it just makes me want it more. I'm not entirely stupid, I know I need to eat less and move more... simple right?</div><div><br /></div><div>So now I am 49 and I think I am fat - I am fat! I am also short, kind, funny, reliable, loyal and loving.</div><div><br /></div><div>Does being fate make me less of a person? NO!</div><div>Does it make me worthless? NO!</div><div>Does it make me a bad wife, daughter, sister, aunty, niece or friend? NO!</div><div>Does it make me lazy? SOMETIMES!</div><div>Does it make me think that people judge me because I'm fat? YES!</div><div><br /></div><div>Why are we like that? Why can't we look at each other and think nice things instead of bringing each other down?</div><div><br /></div><div>I am Lynne</div><div>I am 49</div><div>I am fat</div><div><br /></div><div>Deal with it.....</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-41678850599669353502020-07-03T07:46:00.003-07:002020-07-03T07:46:39.760-07:00What a difference a year makes!This time last year I was in a very different place. Actually the whole world was, but that's a whole other story.<br />
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I had been off work on and off for 18 months with my depression and anxiety and had some really dark days. I didn't know which direction my life was heading, which made me more anxious and depressed.<br />
<br />
Then I came to the decision that I didn't want to go back to my job of 31 one years and actually wanted to go in a completely different direction. So I resigned and started my own Travel business. I came totally out of my comfort zone, travelled to Surrey for training and began to build my business and actually some bookings.<br />
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Then along came COVID-19 and the world closed, nobody could travel, the bookings I'd made either had to be rebooked or cancelled, commission had to be paid back. What was I going to do now? Was I going to spiral back into a depression?<br />
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Funnily enough I didn't. I sought support from a ladies business networking group that I'd joined call Love Ladies Business, we chatted on zoom every fortnight and exchanged thoughts and ideas.<br />
I started socialising with my new Travel-pa family on weekly zoom catch ups, I hadn't met any of them in real life but look forward to our weekly drinks, chats and fancy dress shenanigans. They have all been so supportive of me and so generous with their time and advice.<br />
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In fact I was feeling so much better in myself that I started reducing my meds. First I went from 40mg Citalopram down to 30mg (under the advice of my GP) and after getting used to that I have managed to reduce them down to 20mg. My biggest issue was getting off the Quetiapine though, I'd been on that to help me sleep for over a year and already tried and failed to come off it. But this time I was determined, starting with only taking one every other night and then every 2 nights, until I was finally off them and managing to sleep. Not the full 8 hours but definitely getting there. And I am feeling so much better for it. No more wanting to sleep all day (and night) and my mind is clearer, (apart from the menopausal brain fog!)<br />
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So I have started putting all my time and energy into trying to make my business a success, getting my name out there on social media etc. Then one night I was lying in bed overthinking and I realised that I hadn't seen anyone covering travel in our local newspaper...maybe I could do that? I found the email address for the Editor and emailed her asking if she would like me to write a travel blog for the paper. I heard back from her the next day and she asked if I could send her a 350 word article for the Friday edition that week! I gladly did and am so happy to say I am now the Travel Columnist for the Grantham Journal.<br />
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I just want you to know that things do get better with time, and you are good enough. Believe in yourself as much as others do and look at what you can achieve.<br />
<br />Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-83864696568169608922020-02-16T11:44:00.001-08:002020-02-16T11:44:55.050-08:00In a world where you can be anything, BE KINDIn light of what has happened to Caroline Flack, I felt the need to put pen to paper (or fingers to keys)<br />
<br />
As a fan of Caroline I always saw her as beautiful, vivacious, funny, successful and talented. She had a great laugh, a fabulous figure, amazing hair (I was always asking my hairdresser the impossible as I'd have loved hair like Caroline's), she was a great TV presenter and I was amazed what a fantastic singing voice she had too when I followed her Instagram stories as she appeared in Chicago The Musical.<br />
For so many people we saw someone who was famous, attractive, successful, rich and talented. So surely this was a woman who had everything?<br />
<br />
It just goes to show that what we perceive isn't reality and we really don't know what's going on behind the camera or keyboard.<br />
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So please, please think before you start tearing people apart out of jealousy or your own insecurities.<br />
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We are all trying to do our best and should be building each other up to be the best we can be.<br />
<br />
I read an interview Caroline had done where she said she'd told a friend how she was feeling and they said she was draining. One of her biggest fears was being a burden.<br />
<br />
I know how that feels, I have felt that so many times. Fortunately my close friends never told me I was draining and without them and my family things could have been so very different.<br />
<br />
THE TINIEST ACT OF KINDNESS CAN SAVE A LIFE.Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-83232999301297241082019-12-08T08:41:00.000-08:002019-12-08T08:41:13.678-08:00Going publicYou're probably thinking, what could be more public than publishing your innermost thoughts and fears on the internet for all to see? Well, you've got a point, but actually when I started this blog I didn't really tell my friends and family about it, but advertised it on my public Instagram page, which they didn't really follow. It seemed easier to open up to people I didn't know. But earlier this month I was approached by a fellow blogger, Jess Kitching from <b>Thegoodineveryday blog</b>, who asked if I was interested in being interviewed about overcoming my anxiety and starting my travel business. Of course I agreed, the whole point of me doing this blog was, as well as it being cathartic for me, if I could help even just one person then I'm happy.<br />
I felt really nervous about it being published, but needn't have worried as the response I had on Facebook blew me away. Never before have I been called 'brave', 'strong', or 'an inspiration'. The comments brought me to tears and I felt very humbled that people who I don't see or talk to regularly or haven't seen since school, took time to read the interview and leave a supportive comment.<br />
And as amazing as that is, me being me couldn't help but note who hadn't liked or commented on it. Why do we do that? You could have a million nice things happen and one rubbish thing and it's the rubbish thing that stays with you and chews you up inside! Or is that just me?<br />It's something that I am going to work on and try not to let it bother me so much. I am going to have a much more positive 2020 and things are already looking up with my new business venture. I'm happy to say I love my job!<br />
I'd like to wish you all a very Happy Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year.<br />
<br />
Please remember '<b>it's nice to be nice</b>'<br />
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You can find the details for my travel business at:<br />
<b>www.facebook.com/LynnePageTravelpa</b><br />
<b>www.Instagram.com/lynnep_travelpa</b><br />
<b>email - lynnep@travel-pa.com</b>Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-854241559846355922019-11-07T10:44:00.002-08:002019-11-07T10:44:48.596-08:00Big StepsWell I've been quiet on here for a while. But for good reason and I'm not really sure where to start!<br />
<br />
Firstly... I resigned from my job! A pretty big step for starters. And I am now retraining as an online travel advisor and am going to run my own business from home.<br />
<br />
You might be wondering where this has all come from?<br />
<br />
After being off work for so long there was no way I was going to go back, as I've said previously I'd tried twice before and it set my recovery back. So, after some lengthy discussions with Gary, a pro's and cons list and lots of tears, with Gary's full support I handed in my resignation after more than 31 years.<br />
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Why did I decide to go into the travel industry when I have zero experience? I love to travel and talk about holidays and look for deals online, simple as that really. I seemed to have a lightbulb moment and something just clicked in my head... this is something I wanted to do AND I could be really good at it.<br />
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The second big step was travelling down to Croydon for a 4 day residential course and staying in a hotel on my own! Luckily Gary drove me down there and stayed the night before with me and he then came to pick me up on the final day. But it was a huge hurdle for me to overcome, staying in a hotel, even eating breakfast in the restaurant on my own and then meeting new people on the course. But I did it!<br />
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In a previous post I wrote about the bad experience I'd had on a train, so my next big step was making the train journey down to London on my own for a meeting, and then getting the tube and a further train. I then had to stand up in front of strangers and do a 5 minute presentation. I am so proud of myself and how far I've come!<br />
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If this can give just one person that suffers with a mental illness hope that you can get through, then I would be so happy.<br />
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Until next time.....Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-32727444329983781722019-08-16T11:36:00.000-07:002019-08-16T11:36:37.887-07:00Proud MomentFollowing on from my previous post, you know my trepidation about going on public transport and particularly trains. Well I'm proud to say that a couple of weeks ago I went on a train journey and even more amazingly I went on the tube. I know....what an achievement!<br />
The things that made it a bit easier were;<br />
<br />
Being with my two best friends, who know and love me despite my mental illness, who have seen me at my worst and my best. They've both witnessed me have panic attacks and they can both spot the signs when I'm starting to feel anxious.<br />
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We were in First Class, it felt much calmer and quieter in there. It was mainly full of commuters tapping away on their laptops.<br />
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Prosecco! It was my friend's birthday, so we opened a bottle of prosecco (or 2) and just chatted and laughed for the whole journey, so it went really quickly.<br />
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Once we were in London, we caught a cab to Covent Garden for some brunch, so everything was fine with that. We then got a cab to our next destination and after that it was time to tackle the dreaded underground.<br />
I'd already told the girls that I was feeling anxious about going on the tube, but they assured me they'd look after me and it would be fine. Of course, we got the wrong one, had to get off at the next stop and wait. They could see I was feeling anxious and kept reassuring me and chatting about other things to take my mind off it. We eventually got the right train and then hit Primark on Oxford Street! Why, why, why, why would I do that to myself?! Especially on a Saturday! It was heaving. I sweating, my heart was racing, I needed water and a sit down! Even my friends said it was too busy.<br />
We then went on to Selfridges, which wasn't much better, but at least it didn't seem so crammed.<br />
And after a couple of cocktails and a bite to eat, it was time to get back to the station for our trip home. We were in first Class again, but there didn't seem to be any air conditioning and it was so hot, I just wanted to be home. The train slowed down and stopped about 2 minutes before we were due into our station. That's when the panic started to rear it's ugly head.... what if there's something wrong with the train? What if something has happened on the track and we're stuck here for hours in this heat and I don't feel well? I won't be able to handle it, I want to go home.<br />
Minutes later a train passed in the opposite direction and then we started moving again. We made it safely to the station and home.<br />
So that might seem like just a lovely day out with friends to you, but to me it's an achievement that I wanted to share.<br />
I don't want this blog to always be doom and gloom and negative. I want to share my positives with you too.....<br />
<br />Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-77246895739308920772019-06-18T09:38:00.001-07:002019-06-18T09:38:25.801-07:00Assault on a trainLike most people, I don't like going on public transport. This was made worse for me back in January 2012 when I was assaulted on a train after a day out with my friends.<br />
There was five of us going to Nottingham for an afternoon of shopping and cocktails, to celebrate Gary and I getting engaged.<br />
We'd all had a lovely day and caught the last train home, which was about 8.45pm. The train wasn't busy so we managed to get 2 tables of four, 3 on one table and 2 on the other. We'd not long set off on the journey, when a lad (in his lates 20's) plonked himself next to one of my friends', right on top of her shopping bags and said "my name's Daniel and I'm hilarious". I begged to differ!<br />
One of the other girls told him we were having a girls' day out so could he go and sit elsewhere as we hadn't invited him to join us. He started getting a bit rowdy, so we called the train guard over. That's when the verbal abuse started, first at the poor train guard and then at us. I was just trying to ignore him, hoping he'd get bored and leave. But this seemed to wind him up even more, and out of nowhere he punched me on the side of my head! I yelled out with shock and pain and he was right up in my face saying "yeah, what you going to do about it"<br />
One of my friends was already on the phone to the police, who had the train stopped at the next station, while we waited for them to arrive.<br />
Meanwhile, I'm stuck on the train with the man that just assaulted me, as he paced up and down the aisle shouting obscenities right next to me.<br />
I know I was in shock, I really couldn't believe what had happened. I faced the window and text Gary to let him know what had happened.<br />
The police arrived along with a police dog, but Daniel did not go quietly. One of the transport police came on to the train to ask if I wanted to press charges. I asked what that would entail and he said I would have to go to the police station with them now and make a statement. That immediately made me say no, I just wanted to go home. He had a word with another officer and said I could go home and they'd ring me later to get a statement. Thank goodness.<br />
Gary had been out with his mates too, but raced home to meet me and give me a much needed cuddle. The police rang shortly after I'd got home and I gave my version of events over the phone. They offered to send someone out to photograph my injuries and gave me a number for Victim Support.<br />
The next evening the same police officer came to the house to take a victim statement off me and get all mt friends' details so they could give witness statements.<br />
Luckily our statements were so detailed and the CCTV on the train was so good, that none of us had to appear in court. He was found guilty of assault, which was great, but it certainly had a lasting effect on me....Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-27414060538473908732019-06-03T06:48:00.000-07:002019-06-03T06:48:58.794-07:00A Bad DayI'm going to try and describe what a bad day looks like.<br />
Easter Sunday was a bad day for me. I woke up feeling anxious for no apparent reason. I just had that feeling. I had heart palpitations, felt on edge and then the tears came. It didn't take much to set me off. I think I just took something Gary said the wrong way and the crying started.<br />
So, even though it was a beautiful, hot, sunny day, all I wanted to do was stay in the safety and comfort of my bed. I text my mum to let her know I was having a bad day, we were supposed to be going round to my parents for a roast dinner later that day. And my lovely mum text back saying she understood that I probably didn't feel very sociable and that was absolutely fine. she would prepare dinner, text me when it was ready and Gary could go and pick it up.<br />
So for the rest of the day I stayed in bed crying on and off and sleeping.<br />
Luckily the bad days aren't as frequent as they used to be, but a bad day is still a bad day no matter how infrequent.<br />
I had a couple of bad days on holiday, and its hard to comprehend how anyone could feel down or depressed and want to stay in bed when, essentially they are in paradise. But sometimes, in fact most of the time, there is no explanation. I just feel that way. I need to cry, I need to sleep and I usually need a cuddle.....Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-35580859801159982582019-04-17T10:33:00.000-07:002019-04-17T10:33:14.633-07:00GuiltI don't know about you but I feel guilty about everything and I mean EVERYTHING.<br />
I feel guilty for having this illness for so long, for Gary having to work overtime because we haven't got as much money coming in, for being tired when I've not been to work and he's just done a 12 hour night shift.<br />
I feel guilty for not being at work, for cancelling plans because of my anxiety, for not seeing my parents more often when they only live down the road, for not spending more time with my nieces and goddaughter.<br />
I feel guilty when I haven't ticked anything off my 'Things to do today' list, when I haven't made a home-cooked meal, when I haven't done any housework, when I haven't left the house because I just can't face it.<br />
I feel guilty for spending money I haven't got on clothes and makeup I don't wear because I hardly go out anywhere.<br />
I feel guilty for going on holiday when I'm signed off work, for going out with friends and looking like I might be enjoying myself.<br />
You get the gist, I feel all of the guilt all of the time...and I'm not even Catholic!Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-27644506909449150002019-04-08T09:41:00.002-07:002019-04-08T09:41:59.529-07:00Childless or Child-free?Before Gary and I got married we discussed having children and whether we were too old or too selfish to be parents. I'd seen how Gary was with his nieces and nephew and thought he'd be a great dad. I've wanted a baby since I was about 25 but as I'd been single for so long, had given up any hope of becoming a mum, until now. so we decided we wouldn't put any pressure on ourselves, if it happened it would be amazing but if it didn't then we would accept that it wasn't meant to be and be grateful that we have each other and have a great life.<br />
We were 41 when we got married and after a couple of years there was no signs of any babies. I'd also not been feeling myself, my periods were irregular and very heavy, I was having hot flushes and night sweats and my mood sings were getting worse. I thought Id better get myself to the doctors and get checked out. I had blood tests and the results were I was peri-menopausal. This was the beginning of the menopause and I was only 43. My mum had gone through the menopause early so the chances of it happening to me were pretty high.<br />
I was devastated, I went back to work in floods of tears and rang Gary to try and explain, but couldn't get my words out because I was so upset.<br />
So that was it, the decision to have a baby had pretty much been taken out of our hands. If it hadn't happened by now, the chances of getting pregnant in the future were greatly reduced. We didn't want to go down the route of IVF because we know so many couples that had tried it and seen what they'd gone through. I personally know I couldn't have handled it and have so much admiration for the people that do. And we decided we were too old to go through the adoption process.<br />
So that was it.<br />
We were going to be a childless couple.<br />
That's when I was first prescribed Citalopram, as it helps with hot flushes. It did for a while, I also tried soy tablets, changing my diet, black cloche, herbal teas...all sorts.<br />
I'd seem fine but then I'd find out someone was pregnant and, although I was happy for them, I was also upset that it wasn't me. And the tears would flow. As much as I love being an Aunty and a Godmother, it's not the same.<br />
Five years on and people have stopped asking when we're going to have kids. I am now on HRT and ,yes, I am grateful for the life I have. And now I think of us as a child-free couple not childless. We have our fur babies and, although there will always be that emptiness that can't be filled, I've come to terms with it now.<br />
This has been a really hard post to write. It's probably the first time I've properly thought about how I felt.<br />
I've got a lot of love to give and so my friends, family and cats have it all.<br />
much love....Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-5424625408023391682019-04-01T11:22:00.000-07:002019-04-01T11:22:33.303-07:00To sleep or not to sleep?As I've mentioned in previous posts I really struggle to get to sleep at night and some nights I don't sleep at all. Insomnia is real.<br />
I spoke to my GP about the issues I was having and everything I had tried. This included staying off electronic devices before bed, burning a lavender candle, pillow spray, listening to sleep stories, reading, having a warm milky drink, herbal teas, mindfulness. Nothing seemed to work. So my doctor said she would prescribe me an extra antidepressant to take at night which would help me sleep. I would try anything at this point! My prescription was for 15mg of Mirtazapine.<br />
Sure enough, the first time I took one I was out like a light and slept for 11 hours straight, but I woke up feeling groggy and out of sorts for the rest of the day. Gradually, I've got used to them and am now sleeping between 5 and 7 hours every night.and not feeling groggy once I've woken up.<br />
After 6 or 7 weeks of taking them my clothes started to feel a bit snug and I was feeling uncomfortable. I know I shouldn't have, but I stood on the dreaded scales of doom and was horrified to see I'd put a stone on in 6 weeks! WTF?! How the hell had that happened? I don't think I'd been eating any differently and certainly not enough to put that much weight on in such a short space of time!<br />
I was due to see my GP for a review and decided I would talk to her about it as it wasn't helping with the way I was feeling. Meanwhile, I googled the side effects of Mirtazapine and right there at the top of very common side effects was weight gain. I looked at a couple of patient discussion forums and it was, indeed very common, with people reporting to have gone from a size 10 to a size 16 in 3 months of taking the tablets.<br />
When I saw my GP I didn't even have to finish my sentence, she knew I was going to say I'd put on weight. She said she could put me on Quetiapine instead but that wouldn't help me to sleep.<br />
So I can either sleep and be fat and uncomfortable or lose some weight and not sleep! I said I'd have a think about it, which she said was fine and if I did want to change meds I could just contact the surgery and she would do a prescription for the new ones.<br />
I thought about it for a week and decided that if I was going to come off the mirtazapine it was best to do it while I was off work. I rang the doctor and she said I needed to wean myself off them first. I have to take one, then miss a night, take one, then miss 2 nights and so on. I'm on night 6 and I'm going to be honest and say I've been struggling on the nights I haven't taken one. and during the day today I've felt anxious and jittery. But I will persevere.<br />
I know I shouldn't let my weight bother me, but I need to feel better about other aspects of my life in order to feel better about my size and weight. And it is something that has plagued me my whole life.....Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-656023564628863108.post-70791903959072381592019-03-26T04:39:00.000-07:002019-03-26T04:39:46.270-07:00Travelling with AnxietyI should really call this Travelling with excess baggage! That's what it feels like. I'm not just talking about the actual act of travelling to your holiday destination, but also the booking, the build up, the packing, the airport experience. The whole lot make me anxious and yet I love my holidays. Even writing about it now I'm feeling anxious!<br />
Shouldn't I just feel grateful and very lucky that Gary and I get to go on holiday? An awful lot of people can't.<br />
Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting the feelings of anxiety mixed up with excitement?<br />
I'll try to explain as best I can.<br />
An example is we are going away in May so last night I thought I ought to book our airport parking. The whole time I was looking for the best deal, my heart was pounding in my throat and before I booked it I had to keep going back to the holiday confirmation to check and recheck that I'd got the dates, times and terminal right. I haven't got it wrong before so I don't know why it worries me so much?<br />
So that's the holiday booked, the car parking and the airport lounge. I like to go to the airport lounge to get away from the hustle and bustle of departures, I find it overwhelming otherwise.<br />
The next thing to think about is the dreaded packing. Luckily, my wonderful friend got me a packing list that I can tick off as I go, so that helps hugely. Although, it doesn't stop me from unpacking and repacking a good few times and losing sleep over whether I've packed the right stuff or enough stuff or too much stuff and the cases are going to be overweight. What am I going to wear to travel in, what time should we leave to get to the airport, what if we get stuck in traffic, what if the plane is delayed and we miss our connecting flight. the list goes on and on.<br />
Then, once that is all out of the way, I have to deal with the anxiety of leaving my cats and my parents. What if something happens to one of them while we're away?<br />
Once we're parked up at the airport, the anxiety is heightened when I'm waiting in the queue to check the bags in (what if they get lost), waiting in the queue for security and at the gate. It's a good job I'm not scared of flying!<br />
When we're on the plane I'm not too bad,although I hardly ever sleep even on long haul.<br />
Then once we've landed the anxiety starts again with passport control, baggage claim, the transfer to the hotel, what's the hotel like and will our room be ok?<br />
Then I can unpack and relax as best I can until I have to think about travelling home and then the anxious thoughts all start again....Looking4lynnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14155383143993648388noreply@blogger.com0