You're probably thinking, what could be more public than publishing your innermost thoughts and fears on the internet for all to see? Well, you've got a point, but actually when I started this blog I didn't really tell my friends and family about it, but advertised it on my public Instagram page, which they didn't really follow. It seemed easier to open up to people I didn't know. But earlier this month I was approached by a fellow blogger, Jess Kitching from Thegoodineveryday blog, who asked if I was interested in being interviewed about overcoming my anxiety and starting my travel business. Of course I agreed, the whole point of me doing this blog was, as well as it being cathartic for me, if I could help even just one person then I'm happy.
I felt really nervous about it being published, but needn't have worried as the response I had on Facebook blew me away. Never before have I been called 'brave', 'strong', or 'an inspiration'. The comments brought me to tears and I felt very humbled that people who I don't see or talk to regularly or haven't seen since school, took time to read the interview and leave a supportive comment.
And as amazing as that is, me being me couldn't help but note who hadn't liked or commented on it. Why do we do that? You could have a million nice things happen and one rubbish thing and it's the rubbish thing that stays with you and chews you up inside! Or is that just me?
It's something that I am going to work on and try not to let it bother me so much. I am going to have a much more positive 2020 and things are already looking up with my new business venture. I'm happy to say I love my job!
I'd like to wish you all a very Happy Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year.
Please remember 'it's nice to be nice'
You can find the details for my travel business at:
www.facebook.com/LynnePageTravelpa
www.Instagram.com/lynnep_travelpa
email - lynnep@travel-pa.com
Sunday 8 December 2019
Thursday 7 November 2019
Big Steps
Well I've been quiet on here for a while. But for good reason and I'm not really sure where to start!
Firstly... I resigned from my job! A pretty big step for starters. And I am now retraining as an online travel advisor and am going to run my own business from home.
You might be wondering where this has all come from?
After being off work for so long there was no way I was going to go back, as I've said previously I'd tried twice before and it set my recovery back. So, after some lengthy discussions with Gary, a pro's and cons list and lots of tears, with Gary's full support I handed in my resignation after more than 31 years.
Why did I decide to go into the travel industry when I have zero experience? I love to travel and talk about holidays and look for deals online, simple as that really. I seemed to have a lightbulb moment and something just clicked in my head... this is something I wanted to do AND I could be really good at it.
The second big step was travelling down to Croydon for a 4 day residential course and staying in a hotel on my own! Luckily Gary drove me down there and stayed the night before with me and he then came to pick me up on the final day. But it was a huge hurdle for me to overcome, staying in a hotel, even eating breakfast in the restaurant on my own and then meeting new people on the course. But I did it!
In a previous post I wrote about the bad experience I'd had on a train, so my next big step was making the train journey down to London on my own for a meeting, and then getting the tube and a further train. I then had to stand up in front of strangers and do a 5 minute presentation. I am so proud of myself and how far I've come!
If this can give just one person that suffers with a mental illness hope that you can get through, then I would be so happy.
Until next time.....
Firstly... I resigned from my job! A pretty big step for starters. And I am now retraining as an online travel advisor and am going to run my own business from home.
You might be wondering where this has all come from?
After being off work for so long there was no way I was going to go back, as I've said previously I'd tried twice before and it set my recovery back. So, after some lengthy discussions with Gary, a pro's and cons list and lots of tears, with Gary's full support I handed in my resignation after more than 31 years.
Why did I decide to go into the travel industry when I have zero experience? I love to travel and talk about holidays and look for deals online, simple as that really. I seemed to have a lightbulb moment and something just clicked in my head... this is something I wanted to do AND I could be really good at it.
The second big step was travelling down to Croydon for a 4 day residential course and staying in a hotel on my own! Luckily Gary drove me down there and stayed the night before with me and he then came to pick me up on the final day. But it was a huge hurdle for me to overcome, staying in a hotel, even eating breakfast in the restaurant on my own and then meeting new people on the course. But I did it!
In a previous post I wrote about the bad experience I'd had on a train, so my next big step was making the train journey down to London on my own for a meeting, and then getting the tube and a further train. I then had to stand up in front of strangers and do a 5 minute presentation. I am so proud of myself and how far I've come!
If this can give just one person that suffers with a mental illness hope that you can get through, then I would be so happy.
Until next time.....
Friday 16 August 2019
Proud Moment
Following on from my previous post, you know my trepidation about going on public transport and particularly trains. Well I'm proud to say that a couple of weeks ago I went on a train journey and even more amazingly I went on the tube. I know....what an achievement!
The things that made it a bit easier were;
Being with my two best friends, who know and love me despite my mental illness, who have seen me at my worst and my best. They've both witnessed me have panic attacks and they can both spot the signs when I'm starting to feel anxious.
We were in First Class, it felt much calmer and quieter in there. It was mainly full of commuters tapping away on their laptops.
Prosecco! It was my friend's birthday, so we opened a bottle of prosecco (or 2) and just chatted and laughed for the whole journey, so it went really quickly.
Once we were in London, we caught a cab to Covent Garden for some brunch, so everything was fine with that. We then got a cab to our next destination and after that it was time to tackle the dreaded underground.
I'd already told the girls that I was feeling anxious about going on the tube, but they assured me they'd look after me and it would be fine. Of course, we got the wrong one, had to get off at the next stop and wait. They could see I was feeling anxious and kept reassuring me and chatting about other things to take my mind off it. We eventually got the right train and then hit Primark on Oxford Street! Why, why, why, why would I do that to myself?! Especially on a Saturday! It was heaving. I sweating, my heart was racing, I needed water and a sit down! Even my friends said it was too busy.
We then went on to Selfridges, which wasn't much better, but at least it didn't seem so crammed.
And after a couple of cocktails and a bite to eat, it was time to get back to the station for our trip home. We were in first Class again, but there didn't seem to be any air conditioning and it was so hot, I just wanted to be home. The train slowed down and stopped about 2 minutes before we were due into our station. That's when the panic started to rear it's ugly head.... what if there's something wrong with the train? What if something has happened on the track and we're stuck here for hours in this heat and I don't feel well? I won't be able to handle it, I want to go home.
Minutes later a train passed in the opposite direction and then we started moving again. We made it safely to the station and home.
So that might seem like just a lovely day out with friends to you, but to me it's an achievement that I wanted to share.
I don't want this blog to always be doom and gloom and negative. I want to share my positives with you too.....
The things that made it a bit easier were;
Being with my two best friends, who know and love me despite my mental illness, who have seen me at my worst and my best. They've both witnessed me have panic attacks and they can both spot the signs when I'm starting to feel anxious.
We were in First Class, it felt much calmer and quieter in there. It was mainly full of commuters tapping away on their laptops.
Prosecco! It was my friend's birthday, so we opened a bottle of prosecco (or 2) and just chatted and laughed for the whole journey, so it went really quickly.
Once we were in London, we caught a cab to Covent Garden for some brunch, so everything was fine with that. We then got a cab to our next destination and after that it was time to tackle the dreaded underground.
I'd already told the girls that I was feeling anxious about going on the tube, but they assured me they'd look after me and it would be fine. Of course, we got the wrong one, had to get off at the next stop and wait. They could see I was feeling anxious and kept reassuring me and chatting about other things to take my mind off it. We eventually got the right train and then hit Primark on Oxford Street! Why, why, why, why would I do that to myself?! Especially on a Saturday! It was heaving. I sweating, my heart was racing, I needed water and a sit down! Even my friends said it was too busy.
We then went on to Selfridges, which wasn't much better, but at least it didn't seem so crammed.
And after a couple of cocktails and a bite to eat, it was time to get back to the station for our trip home. We were in first Class again, but there didn't seem to be any air conditioning and it was so hot, I just wanted to be home. The train slowed down and stopped about 2 minutes before we were due into our station. That's when the panic started to rear it's ugly head.... what if there's something wrong with the train? What if something has happened on the track and we're stuck here for hours in this heat and I don't feel well? I won't be able to handle it, I want to go home.
Minutes later a train passed in the opposite direction and then we started moving again. We made it safely to the station and home.
So that might seem like just a lovely day out with friends to you, but to me it's an achievement that I wanted to share.
I don't want this blog to always be doom and gloom and negative. I want to share my positives with you too.....
Tuesday 18 June 2019
Assault on a train
Like most people, I don't like going on public transport. This was made worse for me back in January 2012 when I was assaulted on a train after a day out with my friends.
There was five of us going to Nottingham for an afternoon of shopping and cocktails, to celebrate Gary and I getting engaged.
We'd all had a lovely day and caught the last train home, which was about 8.45pm. The train wasn't busy so we managed to get 2 tables of four, 3 on one table and 2 on the other. We'd not long set off on the journey, when a lad (in his lates 20's) plonked himself next to one of my friends', right on top of her shopping bags and said "my name's Daniel and I'm hilarious". I begged to differ!
One of the other girls told him we were having a girls' day out so could he go and sit elsewhere as we hadn't invited him to join us. He started getting a bit rowdy, so we called the train guard over. That's when the verbal abuse started, first at the poor train guard and then at us. I was just trying to ignore him, hoping he'd get bored and leave. But this seemed to wind him up even more, and out of nowhere he punched me on the side of my head! I yelled out with shock and pain and he was right up in my face saying "yeah, what you going to do about it"
One of my friends was already on the phone to the police, who had the train stopped at the next station, while we waited for them to arrive.
Meanwhile, I'm stuck on the train with the man that just assaulted me, as he paced up and down the aisle shouting obscenities right next to me.
I know I was in shock, I really couldn't believe what had happened. I faced the window and text Gary to let him know what had happened.
The police arrived along with a police dog, but Daniel did not go quietly. One of the transport police came on to the train to ask if I wanted to press charges. I asked what that would entail and he said I would have to go to the police station with them now and make a statement. That immediately made me say no, I just wanted to go home. He had a word with another officer and said I could go home and they'd ring me later to get a statement. Thank goodness.
Gary had been out with his mates too, but raced home to meet me and give me a much needed cuddle. The police rang shortly after I'd got home and I gave my version of events over the phone. They offered to send someone out to photograph my injuries and gave me a number for Victim Support.
The next evening the same police officer came to the house to take a victim statement off me and get all mt friends' details so they could give witness statements.
Luckily our statements were so detailed and the CCTV on the train was so good, that none of us had to appear in court. He was found guilty of assault, which was great, but it certainly had a lasting effect on me....
There was five of us going to Nottingham for an afternoon of shopping and cocktails, to celebrate Gary and I getting engaged.
We'd all had a lovely day and caught the last train home, which was about 8.45pm. The train wasn't busy so we managed to get 2 tables of four, 3 on one table and 2 on the other. We'd not long set off on the journey, when a lad (in his lates 20's) plonked himself next to one of my friends', right on top of her shopping bags and said "my name's Daniel and I'm hilarious". I begged to differ!
One of the other girls told him we were having a girls' day out so could he go and sit elsewhere as we hadn't invited him to join us. He started getting a bit rowdy, so we called the train guard over. That's when the verbal abuse started, first at the poor train guard and then at us. I was just trying to ignore him, hoping he'd get bored and leave. But this seemed to wind him up even more, and out of nowhere he punched me on the side of my head! I yelled out with shock and pain and he was right up in my face saying "yeah, what you going to do about it"
One of my friends was already on the phone to the police, who had the train stopped at the next station, while we waited for them to arrive.
Meanwhile, I'm stuck on the train with the man that just assaulted me, as he paced up and down the aisle shouting obscenities right next to me.
I know I was in shock, I really couldn't believe what had happened. I faced the window and text Gary to let him know what had happened.
The police arrived along with a police dog, but Daniel did not go quietly. One of the transport police came on to the train to ask if I wanted to press charges. I asked what that would entail and he said I would have to go to the police station with them now and make a statement. That immediately made me say no, I just wanted to go home. He had a word with another officer and said I could go home and they'd ring me later to get a statement. Thank goodness.
Gary had been out with his mates too, but raced home to meet me and give me a much needed cuddle. The police rang shortly after I'd got home and I gave my version of events over the phone. They offered to send someone out to photograph my injuries and gave me a number for Victim Support.
The next evening the same police officer came to the house to take a victim statement off me and get all mt friends' details so they could give witness statements.
Luckily our statements were so detailed and the CCTV on the train was so good, that none of us had to appear in court. He was found guilty of assault, which was great, but it certainly had a lasting effect on me....
Monday 3 June 2019
A Bad Day
I'm going to try and describe what a bad day looks like.
Easter Sunday was a bad day for me. I woke up feeling anxious for no apparent reason. I just had that feeling. I had heart palpitations, felt on edge and then the tears came. It didn't take much to set me off. I think I just took something Gary said the wrong way and the crying started.
So, even though it was a beautiful, hot, sunny day, all I wanted to do was stay in the safety and comfort of my bed. I text my mum to let her know I was having a bad day, we were supposed to be going round to my parents for a roast dinner later that day. And my lovely mum text back saying she understood that I probably didn't feel very sociable and that was absolutely fine. she would prepare dinner, text me when it was ready and Gary could go and pick it up.
So for the rest of the day I stayed in bed crying on and off and sleeping.
Luckily the bad days aren't as frequent as they used to be, but a bad day is still a bad day no matter how infrequent.
I had a couple of bad days on holiday, and its hard to comprehend how anyone could feel down or depressed and want to stay in bed when, essentially they are in paradise. But sometimes, in fact most of the time, there is no explanation. I just feel that way. I need to cry, I need to sleep and I usually need a cuddle.....
Easter Sunday was a bad day for me. I woke up feeling anxious for no apparent reason. I just had that feeling. I had heart palpitations, felt on edge and then the tears came. It didn't take much to set me off. I think I just took something Gary said the wrong way and the crying started.
So, even though it was a beautiful, hot, sunny day, all I wanted to do was stay in the safety and comfort of my bed. I text my mum to let her know I was having a bad day, we were supposed to be going round to my parents for a roast dinner later that day. And my lovely mum text back saying she understood that I probably didn't feel very sociable and that was absolutely fine. she would prepare dinner, text me when it was ready and Gary could go and pick it up.
So for the rest of the day I stayed in bed crying on and off and sleeping.
Luckily the bad days aren't as frequent as they used to be, but a bad day is still a bad day no matter how infrequent.
I had a couple of bad days on holiday, and its hard to comprehend how anyone could feel down or depressed and want to stay in bed when, essentially they are in paradise. But sometimes, in fact most of the time, there is no explanation. I just feel that way. I need to cry, I need to sleep and I usually need a cuddle.....
Wednesday 17 April 2019
Guilt
I don't know about you but I feel guilty about everything and I mean EVERYTHING.
I feel guilty for having this illness for so long, for Gary having to work overtime because we haven't got as much money coming in, for being tired when I've not been to work and he's just done a 12 hour night shift.
I feel guilty for not being at work, for cancelling plans because of my anxiety, for not seeing my parents more often when they only live down the road, for not spending more time with my nieces and goddaughter.
I feel guilty when I haven't ticked anything off my 'Things to do today' list, when I haven't made a home-cooked meal, when I haven't done any housework, when I haven't left the house because I just can't face it.
I feel guilty for spending money I haven't got on clothes and makeup I don't wear because I hardly go out anywhere.
I feel guilty for going on holiday when I'm signed off work, for going out with friends and looking like I might be enjoying myself.
You get the gist, I feel all of the guilt all of the time...and I'm not even Catholic!
I feel guilty for having this illness for so long, for Gary having to work overtime because we haven't got as much money coming in, for being tired when I've not been to work and he's just done a 12 hour night shift.
I feel guilty for not being at work, for cancelling plans because of my anxiety, for not seeing my parents more often when they only live down the road, for not spending more time with my nieces and goddaughter.
I feel guilty when I haven't ticked anything off my 'Things to do today' list, when I haven't made a home-cooked meal, when I haven't done any housework, when I haven't left the house because I just can't face it.
I feel guilty for spending money I haven't got on clothes and makeup I don't wear because I hardly go out anywhere.
I feel guilty for going on holiday when I'm signed off work, for going out with friends and looking like I might be enjoying myself.
You get the gist, I feel all of the guilt all of the time...and I'm not even Catholic!
Monday 8 April 2019
Childless or Child-free?
Before Gary and I got married we discussed having children and whether we were too old or too selfish to be parents. I'd seen how Gary was with his nieces and nephew and thought he'd be a great dad. I've wanted a baby since I was about 25 but as I'd been single for so long, had given up any hope of becoming a mum, until now. so we decided we wouldn't put any pressure on ourselves, if it happened it would be amazing but if it didn't then we would accept that it wasn't meant to be and be grateful that we have each other and have a great life.
We were 41 when we got married and after a couple of years there was no signs of any babies. I'd also not been feeling myself, my periods were irregular and very heavy, I was having hot flushes and night sweats and my mood sings were getting worse. I thought Id better get myself to the doctors and get checked out. I had blood tests and the results were I was peri-menopausal. This was the beginning of the menopause and I was only 43. My mum had gone through the menopause early so the chances of it happening to me were pretty high.
I was devastated, I went back to work in floods of tears and rang Gary to try and explain, but couldn't get my words out because I was so upset.
So that was it, the decision to have a baby had pretty much been taken out of our hands. If it hadn't happened by now, the chances of getting pregnant in the future were greatly reduced. We didn't want to go down the route of IVF because we know so many couples that had tried it and seen what they'd gone through. I personally know I couldn't have handled it and have so much admiration for the people that do. And we decided we were too old to go through the adoption process.
So that was it.
We were going to be a childless couple.
That's when I was first prescribed Citalopram, as it helps with hot flushes. It did for a while, I also tried soy tablets, changing my diet, black cloche, herbal teas...all sorts.
I'd seem fine but then I'd find out someone was pregnant and, although I was happy for them, I was also upset that it wasn't me. And the tears would flow. As much as I love being an Aunty and a Godmother, it's not the same.
Five years on and people have stopped asking when we're going to have kids. I am now on HRT and ,yes, I am grateful for the life I have. And now I think of us as a child-free couple not childless. We have our fur babies and, although there will always be that emptiness that can't be filled, I've come to terms with it now.
This has been a really hard post to write. It's probably the first time I've properly thought about how I felt.
I've got a lot of love to give and so my friends, family and cats have it all.
much love....
We were 41 when we got married and after a couple of years there was no signs of any babies. I'd also not been feeling myself, my periods were irregular and very heavy, I was having hot flushes and night sweats and my mood sings were getting worse. I thought Id better get myself to the doctors and get checked out. I had blood tests and the results were I was peri-menopausal. This was the beginning of the menopause and I was only 43. My mum had gone through the menopause early so the chances of it happening to me were pretty high.
I was devastated, I went back to work in floods of tears and rang Gary to try and explain, but couldn't get my words out because I was so upset.
So that was it, the decision to have a baby had pretty much been taken out of our hands. If it hadn't happened by now, the chances of getting pregnant in the future were greatly reduced. We didn't want to go down the route of IVF because we know so many couples that had tried it and seen what they'd gone through. I personally know I couldn't have handled it and have so much admiration for the people that do. And we decided we were too old to go through the adoption process.
So that was it.
We were going to be a childless couple.
That's when I was first prescribed Citalopram, as it helps with hot flushes. It did for a while, I also tried soy tablets, changing my diet, black cloche, herbal teas...all sorts.
I'd seem fine but then I'd find out someone was pregnant and, although I was happy for them, I was also upset that it wasn't me. And the tears would flow. As much as I love being an Aunty and a Godmother, it's not the same.
Five years on and people have stopped asking when we're going to have kids. I am now on HRT and ,yes, I am grateful for the life I have. And now I think of us as a child-free couple not childless. We have our fur babies and, although there will always be that emptiness that can't be filled, I've come to terms with it now.
This has been a really hard post to write. It's probably the first time I've properly thought about how I felt.
I've got a lot of love to give and so my friends, family and cats have it all.
much love....
Monday 1 April 2019
To sleep or not to sleep?
As I've mentioned in previous posts I really struggle to get to sleep at night and some nights I don't sleep at all. Insomnia is real.
I spoke to my GP about the issues I was having and everything I had tried. This included staying off electronic devices before bed, burning a lavender candle, pillow spray, listening to sleep stories, reading, having a warm milky drink, herbal teas, mindfulness. Nothing seemed to work. So my doctor said she would prescribe me an extra antidepressant to take at night which would help me sleep. I would try anything at this point! My prescription was for 15mg of Mirtazapine.
Sure enough, the first time I took one I was out like a light and slept for 11 hours straight, but I woke up feeling groggy and out of sorts for the rest of the day. Gradually, I've got used to them and am now sleeping between 5 and 7 hours every night.and not feeling groggy once I've woken up.
After 6 or 7 weeks of taking them my clothes started to feel a bit snug and I was feeling uncomfortable. I know I shouldn't have, but I stood on the dreaded scales of doom and was horrified to see I'd put a stone on in 6 weeks! WTF?! How the hell had that happened? I don't think I'd been eating any differently and certainly not enough to put that much weight on in such a short space of time!
I was due to see my GP for a review and decided I would talk to her about it as it wasn't helping with the way I was feeling. Meanwhile, I googled the side effects of Mirtazapine and right there at the top of very common side effects was weight gain. I looked at a couple of patient discussion forums and it was, indeed very common, with people reporting to have gone from a size 10 to a size 16 in 3 months of taking the tablets.
When I saw my GP I didn't even have to finish my sentence, she knew I was going to say I'd put on weight. She said she could put me on Quetiapine instead but that wouldn't help me to sleep.
So I can either sleep and be fat and uncomfortable or lose some weight and not sleep! I said I'd have a think about it, which she said was fine and if I did want to change meds I could just contact the surgery and she would do a prescription for the new ones.
I thought about it for a week and decided that if I was going to come off the mirtazapine it was best to do it while I was off work. I rang the doctor and she said I needed to wean myself off them first. I have to take one, then miss a night, take one, then miss 2 nights and so on. I'm on night 6 and I'm going to be honest and say I've been struggling on the nights I haven't taken one. and during the day today I've felt anxious and jittery. But I will persevere.
I know I shouldn't let my weight bother me, but I need to feel better about other aspects of my life in order to feel better about my size and weight. And it is something that has plagued me my whole life.....
I spoke to my GP about the issues I was having and everything I had tried. This included staying off electronic devices before bed, burning a lavender candle, pillow spray, listening to sleep stories, reading, having a warm milky drink, herbal teas, mindfulness. Nothing seemed to work. So my doctor said she would prescribe me an extra antidepressant to take at night which would help me sleep. I would try anything at this point! My prescription was for 15mg of Mirtazapine.
Sure enough, the first time I took one I was out like a light and slept for 11 hours straight, but I woke up feeling groggy and out of sorts for the rest of the day. Gradually, I've got used to them and am now sleeping between 5 and 7 hours every night.and not feeling groggy once I've woken up.
After 6 or 7 weeks of taking them my clothes started to feel a bit snug and I was feeling uncomfortable. I know I shouldn't have, but I stood on the dreaded scales of doom and was horrified to see I'd put a stone on in 6 weeks! WTF?! How the hell had that happened? I don't think I'd been eating any differently and certainly not enough to put that much weight on in such a short space of time!
I was due to see my GP for a review and decided I would talk to her about it as it wasn't helping with the way I was feeling. Meanwhile, I googled the side effects of Mirtazapine and right there at the top of very common side effects was weight gain. I looked at a couple of patient discussion forums and it was, indeed very common, with people reporting to have gone from a size 10 to a size 16 in 3 months of taking the tablets.
When I saw my GP I didn't even have to finish my sentence, she knew I was going to say I'd put on weight. She said she could put me on Quetiapine instead but that wouldn't help me to sleep.
So I can either sleep and be fat and uncomfortable or lose some weight and not sleep! I said I'd have a think about it, which she said was fine and if I did want to change meds I could just contact the surgery and she would do a prescription for the new ones.
I thought about it for a week and decided that if I was going to come off the mirtazapine it was best to do it while I was off work. I rang the doctor and she said I needed to wean myself off them first. I have to take one, then miss a night, take one, then miss 2 nights and so on. I'm on night 6 and I'm going to be honest and say I've been struggling on the nights I haven't taken one. and during the day today I've felt anxious and jittery. But I will persevere.
I know I shouldn't let my weight bother me, but I need to feel better about other aspects of my life in order to feel better about my size and weight. And it is something that has plagued me my whole life.....
Tuesday 26 March 2019
Travelling with Anxiety
I should really call this Travelling with excess baggage! That's what it feels like. I'm not just talking about the actual act of travelling to your holiday destination, but also the booking, the build up, the packing, the airport experience. The whole lot make me anxious and yet I love my holidays. Even writing about it now I'm feeling anxious!
Shouldn't I just feel grateful and very lucky that Gary and I get to go on holiday? An awful lot of people can't.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting the feelings of anxiety mixed up with excitement?
I'll try to explain as best I can.
An example is we are going away in May so last night I thought I ought to book our airport parking. The whole time I was looking for the best deal, my heart was pounding in my throat and before I booked it I had to keep going back to the holiday confirmation to check and recheck that I'd got the dates, times and terminal right. I haven't got it wrong before so I don't know why it worries me so much?
So that's the holiday booked, the car parking and the airport lounge. I like to go to the airport lounge to get away from the hustle and bustle of departures, I find it overwhelming otherwise.
The next thing to think about is the dreaded packing. Luckily, my wonderful friend got me a packing list that I can tick off as I go, so that helps hugely. Although, it doesn't stop me from unpacking and repacking a good few times and losing sleep over whether I've packed the right stuff or enough stuff or too much stuff and the cases are going to be overweight. What am I going to wear to travel in, what time should we leave to get to the airport, what if we get stuck in traffic, what if the plane is delayed and we miss our connecting flight. the list goes on and on.
Then, once that is all out of the way, I have to deal with the anxiety of leaving my cats and my parents. What if something happens to one of them while we're away?
Once we're parked up at the airport, the anxiety is heightened when I'm waiting in the queue to check the bags in (what if they get lost), waiting in the queue for security and at the gate. It's a good job I'm not scared of flying!
When we're on the plane I'm not too bad,although I hardly ever sleep even on long haul.
Then once we've landed the anxiety starts again with passport control, baggage claim, the transfer to the hotel, what's the hotel like and will our room be ok?
Then I can unpack and relax as best I can until I have to think about travelling home and then the anxious thoughts all start again....
Shouldn't I just feel grateful and very lucky that Gary and I get to go on holiday? An awful lot of people can't.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting the feelings of anxiety mixed up with excitement?
I'll try to explain as best I can.
An example is we are going away in May so last night I thought I ought to book our airport parking. The whole time I was looking for the best deal, my heart was pounding in my throat and before I booked it I had to keep going back to the holiday confirmation to check and recheck that I'd got the dates, times and terminal right. I haven't got it wrong before so I don't know why it worries me so much?
So that's the holiday booked, the car parking and the airport lounge. I like to go to the airport lounge to get away from the hustle and bustle of departures, I find it overwhelming otherwise.
The next thing to think about is the dreaded packing. Luckily, my wonderful friend got me a packing list that I can tick off as I go, so that helps hugely. Although, it doesn't stop me from unpacking and repacking a good few times and losing sleep over whether I've packed the right stuff or enough stuff or too much stuff and the cases are going to be overweight. What am I going to wear to travel in, what time should we leave to get to the airport, what if we get stuck in traffic, what if the plane is delayed and we miss our connecting flight. the list goes on and on.
Then, once that is all out of the way, I have to deal with the anxiety of leaving my cats and my parents. What if something happens to one of them while we're away?
Once we're parked up at the airport, the anxiety is heightened when I'm waiting in the queue to check the bags in (what if they get lost), waiting in the queue for security and at the gate. It's a good job I'm not scared of flying!
When we're on the plane I'm not too bad,although I hardly ever sleep even on long haul.
Then once we've landed the anxiety starts again with passport control, baggage claim, the transfer to the hotel, what's the hotel like and will our room be ok?
Then I can unpack and relax as best I can until I have to think about travelling home and then the anxious thoughts all start again....
Sunday 17 March 2019
Therapy Thursday - A.C.T
For my second therapy session I had quite a bit to get off my chest after not having the best time over the previous weekend (let's just say there was a lot of ugly crying and snot going on). When my rant was over my therapist explained that we would be going through A.C.T which is Acceptance and Commitment therapy. This is split into three categories: Mindfulness, Acceptance and Values. We were going to concentrate on mindfulness in this session.
I made myself comfortable in the chair with my feet on the floor (this helps you to feel grounded), I shut my eyes and just listened to my therapist's voice. His soothing tones said to be aware of my surroundings, the sounds, the feeling of the chair, the taste in my mouth, the smell of the room. I may have other thoughts going on or my mind may wander, this is perfectly ok. Now I was to take notice of my breathing, how every time my lungs fill with air I then breathe out and they are empty and I don't even have to try. And all the time his calming voice is saying that it's ok for my mind to wander, just come back to my breathing...in and out....in and out.
After some time (I've no idea how long as I could quite have easily fallen asleep) I heard him say for me to start being aware of the sounds, the feel, the smell and the taste and then to open my eyes and take in my surroundings.
Although this isn't supposed to be a relaxation technique, you don't have to close your eyes, it is a mindfulness technique, I did feel relaxed and if I had been lying down I'm pretty sure I would have dropped off to sleep.
One of the analogies he gave me was to see my anxious/negative thoughts as leaves on a stream, acknowledge they are there but don't pick them out of the stream, just let then float by.
Apparently the part of my brain where anxiety is (our fight or flight mode if you like) is in overdrive and the part where my self confidence is he likened to a weak, spindly muscle in need of a bootcamp session. So that is what we will work on next time.
I have been on holiday this week and my therapist is next week, so no Therapy Thursday for 3 weeks.
I'm thinking of doing my next post on travelling abroad when you suffer with anxiety?
Watch this space.....
I made myself comfortable in the chair with my feet on the floor (this helps you to feel grounded), I shut my eyes and just listened to my therapist's voice. His soothing tones said to be aware of my surroundings, the sounds, the feeling of the chair, the taste in my mouth, the smell of the room. I may have other thoughts going on or my mind may wander, this is perfectly ok. Now I was to take notice of my breathing, how every time my lungs fill with air I then breathe out and they are empty and I don't even have to try. And all the time his calming voice is saying that it's ok for my mind to wander, just come back to my breathing...in and out....in and out.
After some time (I've no idea how long as I could quite have easily fallen asleep) I heard him say for me to start being aware of the sounds, the feel, the smell and the taste and then to open my eyes and take in my surroundings.
Although this isn't supposed to be a relaxation technique, you don't have to close your eyes, it is a mindfulness technique, I did feel relaxed and if I had been lying down I'm pretty sure I would have dropped off to sleep.
One of the analogies he gave me was to see my anxious/negative thoughts as leaves on a stream, acknowledge they are there but don't pick them out of the stream, just let then float by.
Apparently the part of my brain where anxiety is (our fight or flight mode if you like) is in overdrive and the part where my self confidence is he likened to a weak, spindly muscle in need of a bootcamp session. So that is what we will work on next time.
I have been on holiday this week and my therapist is next week, so no Therapy Thursday for 3 weeks.
I'm thinking of doing my next post on travelling abroad when you suffer with anxiety?
Watch this space.....
Friday 1 March 2019
Therapy Thursday
So yesterday was my first therapy session and I'm glad to say it was with my original therapist, so I didn't have the added anxiety of meeting someone new and hoping I'd be comfortable with them.
As it was the first session we had a catch up of where I am now, what I've been going through since my last sessions in October and what I want to get out of these sessions.
I completed some questions about how I'd been feeling over the last 2 weeks, with a choice of answers from 'not at all', 'occasionally', 'often' to 'all of the time'. After completing that he said my answers indicated that I was suffering with severe depression and moderate anxiety.
We had a chat about how I was feeling about everything and I explained that I have lost my self confidence and don't feel like I'm good enough for anything. So our main aim in the therapy is to work on my self confidence, which is where the Compassion Focused Therapy comes into it ( see my previous post). He said I need to have more compassion towards myself not others. I need to be kinder to myself and stop thinking of myself as a burden to Gary and my family and not to feel guilty about having a mental illness.
It was hard to admit to him that there had been times when I thought Gary would be better off without me as I am such a burden and strain. It would have been easy just to take all my tablets in one go and not wake up in the morning. But I couldn't do that to him or my friends and family. They mean the world to me. So I have to push those dark thoughts away and be grateful to have a loving, hard working, supportive husband and a family who love me no matter what.
So that was session one. I felt really tired and drained when I got home, but I'm glad I've got the extra help.
Until next time...
As it was the first session we had a catch up of where I am now, what I've been going through since my last sessions in October and what I want to get out of these sessions.
I completed some questions about how I'd been feeling over the last 2 weeks, with a choice of answers from 'not at all', 'occasionally', 'often' to 'all of the time'. After completing that he said my answers indicated that I was suffering with severe depression and moderate anxiety.
We had a chat about how I was feeling about everything and I explained that I have lost my self confidence and don't feel like I'm good enough for anything. So our main aim in the therapy is to work on my self confidence, which is where the Compassion Focused Therapy comes into it ( see my previous post). He said I need to have more compassion towards myself not others. I need to be kinder to myself and stop thinking of myself as a burden to Gary and my family and not to feel guilty about having a mental illness.
It was hard to admit to him that there had been times when I thought Gary would be better off without me as I am such a burden and strain. It would have been easy just to take all my tablets in one go and not wake up in the morning. But I couldn't do that to him or my friends and family. They mean the world to me. So I have to push those dark thoughts away and be grateful to have a loving, hard working, supportive husband and a family who love me no matter what.
So that was session one. I felt really tired and drained when I got home, but I'm glad I've got the extra help.
Until next time...
Saturday 16 February 2019
Compassion Focused Therapy
After a phone call with my Occupational Health nurse, a lengthy telephone assessment with a counsellor and a telephone consultation with an independent doctor, it has been suggested that I have 14 sessions of Compassion Focused therapy.
Now I have never heard of this sort of therapy so had to Google it, as the next phone call I get about my treatment will be from the therapist who will be treating me and I'd like to know a bit about it first.
Apparently CFT is used to treat problems associated with shame, self-criticism and self-hate, which can be features of anxiety and depression. It helps people develop and work with experiences of inner warmth, safeness and soothing, via compassion and self-compassion.
The thing that has struck me about this is that I've always thought of myself as a compassionate person towards others and I'm pretty sure my friends and family would agree. OK, so I might be hard on myself and could give myself a break now and again, but with other people I am always there to lend an ear, or a shoulder and give a hug.
So I'm intrigued as to how this therapy is going to go and, of course I'm feeling anxious about it. I'll let you know how it goes....
Now I have never heard of this sort of therapy so had to Google it, as the next phone call I get about my treatment will be from the therapist who will be treating me and I'd like to know a bit about it first.
Apparently CFT is used to treat problems associated with shame, self-criticism and self-hate, which can be features of anxiety and depression. It helps people develop and work with experiences of inner warmth, safeness and soothing, via compassion and self-compassion.
The thing that has struck me about this is that I've always thought of myself as a compassionate person towards others and I'm pretty sure my friends and family would agree. OK, so I might be hard on myself and could give myself a break now and again, but with other people I am always there to lend an ear, or a shoulder and give a hug.
So I'm intrigued as to how this therapy is going to go and, of course I'm feeling anxious about it. I'll let you know how it goes....
Friday 8 February 2019
Everyone is an expert.
I have found since I have been diagnosed with a mental illness that so many people suddenly think they know what's best for me! More so than my GP, therapist or Occupational Health Nurse, all of which I have spoken to in depth about my innermost thoughts and demons and cried my heart out to.
Some of the things I have heard or been told from these experts are;
"Wouldn't you be better off at work?"
"Keep yourself busy"
"Just have your glass half full and nothing can stop you"
"You are the only person stopping you getting better"
"Always look towards the light and then you'll never be in the shadows"
"Don't let it bother you"
"I wouldn't let things worry you too much"
"There's always someone worse off than you"
And so it goes on!
Thank you for your insightfulness Janice* if only I had known it was that simple. I shall relay these suggestions back to my medical team immediately! Look out for a press release with your findings. I'm sure your Phd is in the post.
I reckon there are many more that you and I have all heard and I really do wish it were that simple.....
* names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Some of the things I have heard or been told from these experts are;
"Wouldn't you be better off at work?"
"Keep yourself busy"
"Just have your glass half full and nothing can stop you"
"You are the only person stopping you getting better"
"Always look towards the light and then you'll never be in the shadows"
"Don't let it bother you"
"I wouldn't let things worry you too much"
"There's always someone worse off than you"
And so it goes on!
Thank you for your insightfulness Janice* if only I had known it was that simple. I shall relay these suggestions back to my medical team immediately! Look out for a press release with your findings. I'm sure your Phd is in the post.
I reckon there are many more that you and I have all heard and I really do wish it were that simple.....
* names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Monday 14 January 2019
The Story of Us
My other relationship came to an end and our mutual friends got married in 1999, where I was chief bridesmaid and Gary was an usher. I flirted with him all day and.........nothing!
I then didn't see him again for a good few years. There weren't really any mobile phones back then and certainly no social media. A work colleague invited me to her hen do in our old stomping ground, we were having a few drinks and a dance when, who do I spy across the dance floor but Pagey!
If it wasn't for his cute dimples I wouldn't have recognised him, he'd put weight on (as had I) and he'd shaved his hair off (I'd gone blonde). As I was under the influence I bowled on over and gave him a hug! We had a drunken catch up and I put my number into his ancient mobile (Nokia 3310 I think)! I waited and........nothing!
Then towards the end of 2009 I got a friend request on Facebook from none other than Gary Page. We sent a few messages back and forth, tentatively asking about relationships and kids (none for either of us) And then in the new year I got a message from him while I was at work. I don't embarrass easily, but one of the girls noticed I was blushing. Pagey had finally asked me out for a drink! It had only taken him 17 years!
Our first date was on 30th January 2010, I proposed to him on 1st January 2012 (a leap year) and we got married on a beach in Mauritius on 30th January 2013 (so he only has 1 date to remember!) It really was the best day ever and I would love to do it all over again.
And that is the story of us........
Monday 7 January 2019
Me, my mental health and I
I've suffered on and off with depression for about 20 years now. I've had times when it's been bad, I've had to take medication, have a lengthy time off work, seek counselling and stay with my parents (I was living on my own at the that time). But I was only officially diagnosed with anxiety (with depression) in February 2018.
I'd been taking anti-depressants this time for a couple of years (10mg Citalopram) which I was prescribed for starting early menopause (I'm sure I'll talk more about that in future post) It was to help with my mood swings and hot flushes.
In February last year there was a problem with getting my repeat prescription sent to the correct pharmacy, which I won't bore you with, but I ended up going cold turkey without my meds for 6 days, even though I'd ordered them in plenty of time. I had never experienced withdrawal symptoms before and I don't ever want to again. They were at their worst when I was at work. It was a Wednesday and I will never forget the feeling in my head. It was like I'd move my head and then my brain would follow a few seconds later. I believe this is called a brain zap. I was feeling dizzy, nauseous and very tearful. Then the panic attacks started. The first one on the High Street that day. I felt like everyone was coming at me, it was overwhelming. I was sweating, my heart was racing and I couldn't catch my breath, made worse by crying. I had to hold on to a wall while I was trying to talk to my husband on the phone. He immediately came to pick me up and take me home. I then didn't leave my bed for 3 days, only to go to the loo. I didn't shower or wash my hair, I didn't brush my teeth or change my PJs or bedding and the only people I spoke to were my husband and parents.
My parents know how to deal with me but my husband had never witnessed me in that state before and didn't know what to do or what to say. It must have been so hard for him and probably still is. Luckily I found some stuff online that he could read, which helped a little.
Needless to say my GP signed me off work, increased my meds and I was referred for counselling through my private medical insurance from work. Even though I went private I still didn't manage to get an appointment until mid May, so I'd been off work about 10 weeks by then.
I haven't had the best experiences with counselling in the past. I either didn't click with the counsellor or they were airy fairy and I ended up telling them what they wanted to hear so I didn't have to go back. So I didn't have high hopes! I was really nervous for the first session, but there was no need. I had been referred to a Consultant Clinical and Forensic Psychologist and the sessions felt more like therapy than counselling. Sometimes he would just let me ramble on, we would do breathing exercises and he would also give homework.
Don't get me wrong, he's no miracle worker, but he certainly helped. I felt stronger and wanted to go back to work in June. As I'd been off for so long I was able to do a phased return and work part-time, gradually increasing my hours each week. Unfortunately, I had run before I could walk and after 4 weeks I couldn't cope and was signed off again and my meds increased once more.
I carried on with therapy and by mid-August I felt much more myself so asked if I could go back to work. Things were much more structured this time, and I had a holiday to look forward to in September. Things went much smoother, I was still feeling anxious and that I didn't quite fit in at work anymore.
We had a lovely, relaxing week in Tenerife and I felt better than I had in ages. I hadn't had a panic attack in weeks. I spoke to my Occupational Health Nurse and she was so pleased with my progress she closed my case, my therapist was happy to sign me off after 14 sessions and I asked my GP if I could start reducing my meds. She reluctantly agreed, but said she wanted to keep an eye on me, especially with winter coming up. When my current packet of meds ran out I could then drop by 10mg (I was on 40mg at that time).
Three weeks later I had been on my lower dosage of tablets and the dark thoughts and anxiety started to rear their ugly heads again. I began having panic attacks again, feeling really paranoid and crying uncontrollably. Cancelling plans with friends and not wanting to go out.
You can see where this is going.
So it is now January and I have been signed off by my GP again, she has increased my meds back to 40mg and I am now also taking Beta Blockers to try and calm my heart palpitations. This time I have been off since mid November and every time I think about work the anxiety feels worse. I don't sleep much, 5 hours on a good night, or like last night, my fitbit said 29 minutes. I think those of you who suffer with anxiety or depressions will agree with me that we like sleep. Everything is ok when you sleep. But as soon as you wake up it all starts again.....
I'd been taking anti-depressants this time for a couple of years (10mg Citalopram) which I was prescribed for starting early menopause (I'm sure I'll talk more about that in future post) It was to help with my mood swings and hot flushes.
In February last year there was a problem with getting my repeat prescription sent to the correct pharmacy, which I won't bore you with, but I ended up going cold turkey without my meds for 6 days, even though I'd ordered them in plenty of time. I had never experienced withdrawal symptoms before and I don't ever want to again. They were at their worst when I was at work. It was a Wednesday and I will never forget the feeling in my head. It was like I'd move my head and then my brain would follow a few seconds later. I believe this is called a brain zap. I was feeling dizzy, nauseous and very tearful. Then the panic attacks started. The first one on the High Street that day. I felt like everyone was coming at me, it was overwhelming. I was sweating, my heart was racing and I couldn't catch my breath, made worse by crying. I had to hold on to a wall while I was trying to talk to my husband on the phone. He immediately came to pick me up and take me home. I then didn't leave my bed for 3 days, only to go to the loo. I didn't shower or wash my hair, I didn't brush my teeth or change my PJs or bedding and the only people I spoke to were my husband and parents.
My parents know how to deal with me but my husband had never witnessed me in that state before and didn't know what to do or what to say. It must have been so hard for him and probably still is. Luckily I found some stuff online that he could read, which helped a little.
Needless to say my GP signed me off work, increased my meds and I was referred for counselling through my private medical insurance from work. Even though I went private I still didn't manage to get an appointment until mid May, so I'd been off work about 10 weeks by then.
I haven't had the best experiences with counselling in the past. I either didn't click with the counsellor or they were airy fairy and I ended up telling them what they wanted to hear so I didn't have to go back. So I didn't have high hopes! I was really nervous for the first session, but there was no need. I had been referred to a Consultant Clinical and Forensic Psychologist and the sessions felt more like therapy than counselling. Sometimes he would just let me ramble on, we would do breathing exercises and he would also give homework.
Don't get me wrong, he's no miracle worker, but he certainly helped. I felt stronger and wanted to go back to work in June. As I'd been off for so long I was able to do a phased return and work part-time, gradually increasing my hours each week. Unfortunately, I had run before I could walk and after 4 weeks I couldn't cope and was signed off again and my meds increased once more.
I carried on with therapy and by mid-August I felt much more myself so asked if I could go back to work. Things were much more structured this time, and I had a holiday to look forward to in September. Things went much smoother, I was still feeling anxious and that I didn't quite fit in at work anymore.
We had a lovely, relaxing week in Tenerife and I felt better than I had in ages. I hadn't had a panic attack in weeks. I spoke to my Occupational Health Nurse and she was so pleased with my progress she closed my case, my therapist was happy to sign me off after 14 sessions and I asked my GP if I could start reducing my meds. She reluctantly agreed, but said she wanted to keep an eye on me, especially with winter coming up. When my current packet of meds ran out I could then drop by 10mg (I was on 40mg at that time).
Three weeks later I had been on my lower dosage of tablets and the dark thoughts and anxiety started to rear their ugly heads again. I began having panic attacks again, feeling really paranoid and crying uncontrollably. Cancelling plans with friends and not wanting to go out.
You can see where this is going.
So it is now January and I have been signed off by my GP again, she has increased my meds back to 40mg and I am now also taking Beta Blockers to try and calm my heart palpitations. This time I have been off since mid November and every time I think about work the anxiety feels worse. I don't sleep much, 5 hours on a good night, or like last night, my fitbit said 29 minutes. I think those of you who suffer with anxiety or depressions will agree with me that we like sleep. Everything is ok when you sleep. But as soon as you wake up it all starts again.....
Thursday 3 January 2019
A little about me.
I suppose I’d better start my first ever blog by telling you a little about myself.
I’m 47 years old, married, no kids, 2 cats and live in Lincolnshire. I have worked for the same company for 31 years and seeing that in black and white astonishes me, as i only applied for the job until i decided what i wanted to do! That’s pretty much why i decided on the name Looking 4 Lynne, not that i want to “find myself” but I’m very different to the person i was a couple of years ago. That mainly boils down to struggling with anxiety and depression, which is something i will be talking a lot about in this blog as it is such a big part of my life right now.
But I’m not just my mental illness. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunty, a niece, a godmother, a friend, a fur mum and an instagrammer.
Funnily enough I have found instagram a great support network while I have been off work. There is a lot of negativity around social media, but when used in the right way it can be a good help. You an chat to like minded people and even make new friends. I love it for all things beauty and skincare, which is the main reason why I started my public instagram account. I am obsessed with makeup! But I have also been introduced to self care, self love an body positivity, all of which I have been lacking. And there are some amazing women out thee advocating all of these.
So that is my first blog pot. Short and sweet, just like me!
I’m 47 years old, married, no kids, 2 cats and live in Lincolnshire. I have worked for the same company for 31 years and seeing that in black and white astonishes me, as i only applied for the job until i decided what i wanted to do! That’s pretty much why i decided on the name Looking 4 Lynne, not that i want to “find myself” but I’m very different to the person i was a couple of years ago. That mainly boils down to struggling with anxiety and depression, which is something i will be talking a lot about in this blog as it is such a big part of my life right now.
But I’m not just my mental illness. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunty, a niece, a godmother, a friend, a fur mum and an instagrammer.
Funnily enough I have found instagram a great support network while I have been off work. There is a lot of negativity around social media, but when used in the right way it can be a good help. You an chat to like minded people and even make new friends. I love it for all things beauty and skincare, which is the main reason why I started my public instagram account. I am obsessed with makeup! But I have also been introduced to self care, self love an body positivity, all of which I have been lacking. And there are some amazing women out thee advocating all of these.
So that is my first blog pot. Short and sweet, just like me!
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