Triggers

 Yesterday was World Mental Health Day and ironically it was also a year since I left my job at the bank.

This would have passed me by unnoticed had it not been for Facebook memories reminding me.

I took a look at the post from last year and read the 50 or so comments from lovely people wishing me luck with my new venture after having worked for the bank for so long. But instead of feeling grateful for all the well wishes, I was triggered back to the feelings of bitterness and resentment I felt on that day last year when I again realised that not one of my colleagues had posted a comment to say goodbye or wish me well. I was reminded of my friends and family remarking on how shocked they were that, after 31 years of service all I received as a thank you and good bye was a bunch of flowers. I know that sounds ungrateful but it really did hurt.

It proved to me that, because I had been off for so long suffering with anxiety and depression that I was 'out of sight, out of mind'

I shared the memory to my Facebook page and even added that I wondered if anyone had noticed I'd gone yet. They obviously haven't!

When you are at work you spend more time with your work colleagues than you do your family. You share stories, thoughts and feelings with them. You socialise and become part of their memories, celebrating birthdays, weddings and new babies. Then.......nothing. You only hear from one colleague that you worked with every day for years (and for that I am very grateful HJ)

When I was suffering badly with my depression, this used to eat away at me and make me feel paranoid. Yesterday, I did let it get to me briefly. 

Then I thought;

Do I really miss these people in my life? No not massively

Do I actually need them in my life? No I don't

Have I moved on for the better? Yes I have.

So, although these memories may trigger negative feelings, I am now strong enough not to dwell on them for days on end.

#bekind #worldmentalhealthday #mentalhealthawareness

Dealing with rejection

We've all be rejected at some point in our lives and some of us take it more personally than others, as some people are more resilient than others. I am not one of those people.

Unfortunately, due to my sensitive nature I do take rejection to heart and take it personally, whether it is being rejected by a 'friend', a potential client, a company where you have applied for a job, you know what I mean.

This was brought to a head for me yesterday. 

Due to the way the travel industry is at the moment, I took it upon myself to apply for a job, in order to gain a bit of financial security, until travel picked up again. I was quite matter of fact about the application process and told myself I wasn't that bothered and if I didn't get it then I was no worse off than I am now. 

As the interview date loomed ever closer, I did start to feel anxious about the prospect of a video interview and the fact that I hadn't actually had a job interview, outside of the bank, for many many years. Then throw into that my anxiety, self doubt and menopausal brain fog, I wasn't quite as chilled out as I first thought I would be!

Anyway, the interview came and went and, of course, as soon as it was over I began thinking of all the examples I should have said and questioning why it was over so quickly. They said they would be in touch in 7-10 days to let me know if I'd got through to the next stage. The few people that I had told were certain that, because of my background and experience then I was definitely going to get the job. I was starting to feel more confident and even started writing a list of things I would buy with my first pay packet, the first one in a year!

Then the email arrived saying thanks but no thanks. 

Luckily I was meeting some friends at the time of receiving it, so didn't crumble straight away. I waited until I got home and then fell to pieces.

 'Why didn't they want me?' 

'Why aren't I good enough?'

 'What had I done wrong?'

 'Is it because I'm too old?'

 'Is it because I was too honest about having my travel business?'

 'What could I have done differently?'

When really what I should have been thinking is, it's their loss as I would have been a valuable asset to their company. 

And I really am no worse off than I was before. 

Travel will pick up and I'm good at what I do.

Having spent the evening feeling sorry for myself and having a good cry, I slept on it, got up this morning and put my big girl pants on and carried on my day as planned.

Everything happens for a reason, I wasn't meant to get that job.