I should really call this Travelling with excess baggage! That's what it feels like. I'm not just talking about the actual act of travelling to your holiday destination, but also the booking, the build up, the packing, the airport experience. The whole lot make me anxious and yet I love my holidays. Even writing about it now I'm feeling anxious!
Shouldn't I just feel grateful and very lucky that Gary and I get to go on holiday? An awful lot of people can't.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting the feelings of anxiety mixed up with excitement?
I'll try to explain as best I can.
An example is we are going away in May so last night I thought I ought to book our airport parking. The whole time I was looking for the best deal, my heart was pounding in my throat and before I booked it I had to keep going back to the holiday confirmation to check and recheck that I'd got the dates, times and terminal right. I haven't got it wrong before so I don't know why it worries me so much?
So that's the holiday booked, the car parking and the airport lounge. I like to go to the airport lounge to get away from the hustle and bustle of departures, I find it overwhelming otherwise.
The next thing to think about is the dreaded packing. Luckily, my wonderful friend got me a packing list that I can tick off as I go, so that helps hugely. Although, it doesn't stop me from unpacking and repacking a good few times and losing sleep over whether I've packed the right stuff or enough stuff or too much stuff and the cases are going to be overweight. What am I going to wear to travel in, what time should we leave to get to the airport, what if we get stuck in traffic, what if the plane is delayed and we miss our connecting flight. the list goes on and on.
Then, once that is all out of the way, I have to deal with the anxiety of leaving my cats and my parents. What if something happens to one of them while we're away?
Once we're parked up at the airport, the anxiety is heightened when I'm waiting in the queue to check the bags in (what if they get lost), waiting in the queue for security and at the gate. It's a good job I'm not scared of flying!
When we're on the plane I'm not too bad,although I hardly ever sleep even on long haul.
Then once we've landed the anxiety starts again with passport control, baggage claim, the transfer to the hotel, what's the hotel like and will our room be ok?
Then I can unpack and relax as best I can until I have to think about travelling home and then the anxious thoughts all start again....
Tuesday 26 March 2019
Sunday 17 March 2019
Therapy Thursday - A.C.T
For my second therapy session I had quite a bit to get off my chest after not having the best time over the previous weekend (let's just say there was a lot of ugly crying and snot going on). When my rant was over my therapist explained that we would be going through A.C.T which is Acceptance and Commitment therapy. This is split into three categories: Mindfulness, Acceptance and Values. We were going to concentrate on mindfulness in this session.
I made myself comfortable in the chair with my feet on the floor (this helps you to feel grounded), I shut my eyes and just listened to my therapist's voice. His soothing tones said to be aware of my surroundings, the sounds, the feeling of the chair, the taste in my mouth, the smell of the room. I may have other thoughts going on or my mind may wander, this is perfectly ok. Now I was to take notice of my breathing, how every time my lungs fill with air I then breathe out and they are empty and I don't even have to try. And all the time his calming voice is saying that it's ok for my mind to wander, just come back to my breathing...in and out....in and out.
After some time (I've no idea how long as I could quite have easily fallen asleep) I heard him say for me to start being aware of the sounds, the feel, the smell and the taste and then to open my eyes and take in my surroundings.
Although this isn't supposed to be a relaxation technique, you don't have to close your eyes, it is a mindfulness technique, I did feel relaxed and if I had been lying down I'm pretty sure I would have dropped off to sleep.
One of the analogies he gave me was to see my anxious/negative thoughts as leaves on a stream, acknowledge they are there but don't pick them out of the stream, just let then float by.
Apparently the part of my brain where anxiety is (our fight or flight mode if you like) is in overdrive and the part where my self confidence is he likened to a weak, spindly muscle in need of a bootcamp session. So that is what we will work on next time.
I have been on holiday this week and my therapist is next week, so no Therapy Thursday for 3 weeks.
I'm thinking of doing my next post on travelling abroad when you suffer with anxiety?
Watch this space.....
I made myself comfortable in the chair with my feet on the floor (this helps you to feel grounded), I shut my eyes and just listened to my therapist's voice. His soothing tones said to be aware of my surroundings, the sounds, the feeling of the chair, the taste in my mouth, the smell of the room. I may have other thoughts going on or my mind may wander, this is perfectly ok. Now I was to take notice of my breathing, how every time my lungs fill with air I then breathe out and they are empty and I don't even have to try. And all the time his calming voice is saying that it's ok for my mind to wander, just come back to my breathing...in and out....in and out.
After some time (I've no idea how long as I could quite have easily fallen asleep) I heard him say for me to start being aware of the sounds, the feel, the smell and the taste and then to open my eyes and take in my surroundings.
Although this isn't supposed to be a relaxation technique, you don't have to close your eyes, it is a mindfulness technique, I did feel relaxed and if I had been lying down I'm pretty sure I would have dropped off to sleep.
One of the analogies he gave me was to see my anxious/negative thoughts as leaves on a stream, acknowledge they are there but don't pick them out of the stream, just let then float by.
Apparently the part of my brain where anxiety is (our fight or flight mode if you like) is in overdrive and the part where my self confidence is he likened to a weak, spindly muscle in need of a bootcamp session. So that is what we will work on next time.
I have been on holiday this week and my therapist is next week, so no Therapy Thursday for 3 weeks.
I'm thinking of doing my next post on travelling abroad when you suffer with anxiety?
Watch this space.....
Friday 1 March 2019
Therapy Thursday
So yesterday was my first therapy session and I'm glad to say it was with my original therapist, so I didn't have the added anxiety of meeting someone new and hoping I'd be comfortable with them.
As it was the first session we had a catch up of where I am now, what I've been going through since my last sessions in October and what I want to get out of these sessions.
I completed some questions about how I'd been feeling over the last 2 weeks, with a choice of answers from 'not at all', 'occasionally', 'often' to 'all of the time'. After completing that he said my answers indicated that I was suffering with severe depression and moderate anxiety.
We had a chat about how I was feeling about everything and I explained that I have lost my self confidence and don't feel like I'm good enough for anything. So our main aim in the therapy is to work on my self confidence, which is where the Compassion Focused Therapy comes into it ( see my previous post). He said I need to have more compassion towards myself not others. I need to be kinder to myself and stop thinking of myself as a burden to Gary and my family and not to feel guilty about having a mental illness.
It was hard to admit to him that there had been times when I thought Gary would be better off without me as I am such a burden and strain. It would have been easy just to take all my tablets in one go and not wake up in the morning. But I couldn't do that to him or my friends and family. They mean the world to me. So I have to push those dark thoughts away and be grateful to have a loving, hard working, supportive husband and a family who love me no matter what.
So that was session one. I felt really tired and drained when I got home, but I'm glad I've got the extra help.
Until next time...
As it was the first session we had a catch up of where I am now, what I've been going through since my last sessions in October and what I want to get out of these sessions.
I completed some questions about how I'd been feeling over the last 2 weeks, with a choice of answers from 'not at all', 'occasionally', 'often' to 'all of the time'. After completing that he said my answers indicated that I was suffering with severe depression and moderate anxiety.
We had a chat about how I was feeling about everything and I explained that I have lost my self confidence and don't feel like I'm good enough for anything. So our main aim in the therapy is to work on my self confidence, which is where the Compassion Focused Therapy comes into it ( see my previous post). He said I need to have more compassion towards myself not others. I need to be kinder to myself and stop thinking of myself as a burden to Gary and my family and not to feel guilty about having a mental illness.
It was hard to admit to him that there had been times when I thought Gary would be better off without me as I am such a burden and strain. It would have been easy just to take all my tablets in one go and not wake up in the morning. But I couldn't do that to him or my friends and family. They mean the world to me. So I have to push those dark thoughts away and be grateful to have a loving, hard working, supportive husband and a family who love me no matter what.
So that was session one. I felt really tired and drained when I got home, but I'm glad I've got the extra help.
Until next time...
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