I've suffered on and off with depression for about 20 years now. I've had times when it's been bad, I've had to take medication, have a lengthy time off work, seek counselling and stay with my parents (I was living on my own at the that time). But I was only officially diagnosed with anxiety (with depression) in February 2018.
I'd been taking anti-depressants this time for a couple of years (10mg Citalopram) which I was prescribed for starting early menopause (I'm sure I'll talk more about that in future post) It was to help with my mood swings and hot flushes.
In February last year there was a problem with getting my repeat prescription sent to the correct pharmacy, which I won't bore you with, but I ended up going cold turkey without my meds for 6 days, even though I'd ordered them in plenty of time. I had never experienced withdrawal symptoms before and I don't ever want to again. They were at their worst when I was at work. It was a Wednesday and I will never forget the feeling in my head. It was like I'd move my head and then my brain would follow a few seconds later. I believe this is called a brain zap. I was feeling dizzy, nauseous and very tearful. Then the panic attacks started. The first one on the High Street that day. I felt like everyone was coming at me, it was overwhelming. I was sweating, my heart was racing and I couldn't catch my breath, made worse by crying. I had to hold on to a wall while I was trying to talk to my husband on the phone. He immediately came to pick me up and take me home. I then didn't leave my bed for 3 days, only to go to the loo. I didn't shower or wash my hair, I didn't brush my teeth or change my PJs or bedding and the only people I spoke to were my husband and parents.
My parents know how to deal with me but my husband had never witnessed me in that state before and didn't know what to do or what to say. It must have been so hard for him and probably still is. Luckily I found some stuff online that he could read, which helped a little.
Needless to say my GP signed me off work, increased my meds and I was referred for counselling through my private medical insurance from work. Even though I went private I still didn't manage to get an appointment until mid May, so I'd been off work about 10 weeks by then.
I haven't had the best experiences with counselling in the past. I either didn't click with the counsellor or they were airy fairy and I ended up telling them what they wanted to hear so I didn't have to go back. So I didn't have high hopes! I was really nervous for the first session, but there was no need. I had been referred to a Consultant Clinical and Forensic Psychologist and the sessions felt more like therapy than counselling. Sometimes he would just let me ramble on, we would do breathing exercises and he would also give homework.
Don't get me wrong, he's no miracle worker, but he certainly helped. I felt stronger and wanted to go back to work in June. As I'd been off for so long I was able to do a phased return and work part-time, gradually increasing my hours each week. Unfortunately, I had run before I could walk and after 4 weeks I couldn't cope and was signed off again and my meds increased once more.
I carried on with therapy and by mid-August I felt much more myself so asked if I could go back to work. Things were much more structured this time, and I had a holiday to look forward to in September. Things went much smoother, I was still feeling anxious and that I didn't quite fit in at work anymore.
We had a lovely, relaxing week in Tenerife and I felt better than I had in ages. I hadn't had a panic attack in weeks. I spoke to my Occupational Health Nurse and she was so pleased with my progress she closed my case, my therapist was happy to sign me off after 14 sessions and I asked my GP if I could start reducing my meds. She reluctantly agreed, but said she wanted to keep an eye on me, especially with winter coming up. When my current packet of meds ran out I could then drop by 10mg (I was on 40mg at that time).
Three weeks later I had been on my lower dosage of tablets and the dark thoughts and anxiety started to rear their ugly heads again. I began having panic attacks again, feeling really paranoid and crying uncontrollably. Cancelling plans with friends and not wanting to go out.
You can see where this is going.
So it is now January and I have been signed off by my GP again, she has increased my meds back to 40mg and I am now also taking Beta Blockers to try and calm my heart palpitations. This time I have been off since mid November and every time I think about work the anxiety feels worse. I don't sleep much, 5 hours on a good night, or like last night, my fitbit said 29 minutes. I think those of you who suffer with anxiety or depressions will agree with me that we like sleep. Everything is ok when you sleep. But as soon as you wake up it all starts again.....
