I don't know about you but I feel guilty about everything and I mean EVERYTHING.
I feel guilty for having this illness for so long, for Gary having to work overtime because we haven't got as much money coming in, for being tired when I've not been to work and he's just done a 12 hour night shift.
I feel guilty for not being at work, for cancelling plans because of my anxiety, for not seeing my parents more often when they only live down the road, for not spending more time with my nieces and goddaughter.
I feel guilty when I haven't ticked anything off my 'Things to do today' list, when I haven't made a home-cooked meal, when I haven't done any housework, when I haven't left the house because I just can't face it.
I feel guilty for spending money I haven't got on clothes and makeup I don't wear because I hardly go out anywhere.
I feel guilty for going on holiday when I'm signed off work, for going out with friends and looking like I might be enjoying myself.
You get the gist, I feel all of the guilt all of the time...and I'm not even Catholic!
Wednesday 17 April 2019
Monday 8 April 2019
Childless or Child-free?
Before Gary and I got married we discussed having children and whether we were too old or too selfish to be parents. I'd seen how Gary was with his nieces and nephew and thought he'd be a great dad. I've wanted a baby since I was about 25 but as I'd been single for so long, had given up any hope of becoming a mum, until now. so we decided we wouldn't put any pressure on ourselves, if it happened it would be amazing but if it didn't then we would accept that it wasn't meant to be and be grateful that we have each other and have a great life.
We were 41 when we got married and after a couple of years there was no signs of any babies. I'd also not been feeling myself, my periods were irregular and very heavy, I was having hot flushes and night sweats and my mood sings were getting worse. I thought Id better get myself to the doctors and get checked out. I had blood tests and the results were I was peri-menopausal. This was the beginning of the menopause and I was only 43. My mum had gone through the menopause early so the chances of it happening to me were pretty high.
I was devastated, I went back to work in floods of tears and rang Gary to try and explain, but couldn't get my words out because I was so upset.
So that was it, the decision to have a baby had pretty much been taken out of our hands. If it hadn't happened by now, the chances of getting pregnant in the future were greatly reduced. We didn't want to go down the route of IVF because we know so many couples that had tried it and seen what they'd gone through. I personally know I couldn't have handled it and have so much admiration for the people that do. And we decided we were too old to go through the adoption process.
So that was it.
We were going to be a childless couple.
That's when I was first prescribed Citalopram, as it helps with hot flushes. It did for a while, I also tried soy tablets, changing my diet, black cloche, herbal teas...all sorts.
I'd seem fine but then I'd find out someone was pregnant and, although I was happy for them, I was also upset that it wasn't me. And the tears would flow. As much as I love being an Aunty and a Godmother, it's not the same.
Five years on and people have stopped asking when we're going to have kids. I am now on HRT and ,yes, I am grateful for the life I have. And now I think of us as a child-free couple not childless. We have our fur babies and, although there will always be that emptiness that can't be filled, I've come to terms with it now.
This has been a really hard post to write. It's probably the first time I've properly thought about how I felt.
I've got a lot of love to give and so my friends, family and cats have it all.
much love....
We were 41 when we got married and after a couple of years there was no signs of any babies. I'd also not been feeling myself, my periods were irregular and very heavy, I was having hot flushes and night sweats and my mood sings were getting worse. I thought Id better get myself to the doctors and get checked out. I had blood tests and the results were I was peri-menopausal. This was the beginning of the menopause and I was only 43. My mum had gone through the menopause early so the chances of it happening to me were pretty high.
I was devastated, I went back to work in floods of tears and rang Gary to try and explain, but couldn't get my words out because I was so upset.
So that was it, the decision to have a baby had pretty much been taken out of our hands. If it hadn't happened by now, the chances of getting pregnant in the future were greatly reduced. We didn't want to go down the route of IVF because we know so many couples that had tried it and seen what they'd gone through. I personally know I couldn't have handled it and have so much admiration for the people that do. And we decided we were too old to go through the adoption process.
So that was it.
We were going to be a childless couple.
That's when I was first prescribed Citalopram, as it helps with hot flushes. It did for a while, I also tried soy tablets, changing my diet, black cloche, herbal teas...all sorts.
I'd seem fine but then I'd find out someone was pregnant and, although I was happy for them, I was also upset that it wasn't me. And the tears would flow. As much as I love being an Aunty and a Godmother, it's not the same.
Five years on and people have stopped asking when we're going to have kids. I am now on HRT and ,yes, I am grateful for the life I have. And now I think of us as a child-free couple not childless. We have our fur babies and, although there will always be that emptiness that can't be filled, I've come to terms with it now.
This has been a really hard post to write. It's probably the first time I've properly thought about how I felt.
I've got a lot of love to give and so my friends, family and cats have it all.
much love....
Monday 1 April 2019
To sleep or not to sleep?
As I've mentioned in previous posts I really struggle to get to sleep at night and some nights I don't sleep at all. Insomnia is real.
I spoke to my GP about the issues I was having and everything I had tried. This included staying off electronic devices before bed, burning a lavender candle, pillow spray, listening to sleep stories, reading, having a warm milky drink, herbal teas, mindfulness. Nothing seemed to work. So my doctor said she would prescribe me an extra antidepressant to take at night which would help me sleep. I would try anything at this point! My prescription was for 15mg of Mirtazapine.
Sure enough, the first time I took one I was out like a light and slept for 11 hours straight, but I woke up feeling groggy and out of sorts for the rest of the day. Gradually, I've got used to them and am now sleeping between 5 and 7 hours every night.and not feeling groggy once I've woken up.
After 6 or 7 weeks of taking them my clothes started to feel a bit snug and I was feeling uncomfortable. I know I shouldn't have, but I stood on the dreaded scales of doom and was horrified to see I'd put a stone on in 6 weeks! WTF?! How the hell had that happened? I don't think I'd been eating any differently and certainly not enough to put that much weight on in such a short space of time!
I was due to see my GP for a review and decided I would talk to her about it as it wasn't helping with the way I was feeling. Meanwhile, I googled the side effects of Mirtazapine and right there at the top of very common side effects was weight gain. I looked at a couple of patient discussion forums and it was, indeed very common, with people reporting to have gone from a size 10 to a size 16 in 3 months of taking the tablets.
When I saw my GP I didn't even have to finish my sentence, she knew I was going to say I'd put on weight. She said she could put me on Quetiapine instead but that wouldn't help me to sleep.
So I can either sleep and be fat and uncomfortable or lose some weight and not sleep! I said I'd have a think about it, which she said was fine and if I did want to change meds I could just contact the surgery and she would do a prescription for the new ones.
I thought about it for a week and decided that if I was going to come off the mirtazapine it was best to do it while I was off work. I rang the doctor and she said I needed to wean myself off them first. I have to take one, then miss a night, take one, then miss 2 nights and so on. I'm on night 6 and I'm going to be honest and say I've been struggling on the nights I haven't taken one. and during the day today I've felt anxious and jittery. But I will persevere.
I know I shouldn't let my weight bother me, but I need to feel better about other aspects of my life in order to feel better about my size and weight. And it is something that has plagued me my whole life.....
I spoke to my GP about the issues I was having and everything I had tried. This included staying off electronic devices before bed, burning a lavender candle, pillow spray, listening to sleep stories, reading, having a warm milky drink, herbal teas, mindfulness. Nothing seemed to work. So my doctor said she would prescribe me an extra antidepressant to take at night which would help me sleep. I would try anything at this point! My prescription was for 15mg of Mirtazapine.
Sure enough, the first time I took one I was out like a light and slept for 11 hours straight, but I woke up feeling groggy and out of sorts for the rest of the day. Gradually, I've got used to them and am now sleeping between 5 and 7 hours every night.and not feeling groggy once I've woken up.
After 6 or 7 weeks of taking them my clothes started to feel a bit snug and I was feeling uncomfortable. I know I shouldn't have, but I stood on the dreaded scales of doom and was horrified to see I'd put a stone on in 6 weeks! WTF?! How the hell had that happened? I don't think I'd been eating any differently and certainly not enough to put that much weight on in such a short space of time!
I was due to see my GP for a review and decided I would talk to her about it as it wasn't helping with the way I was feeling. Meanwhile, I googled the side effects of Mirtazapine and right there at the top of very common side effects was weight gain. I looked at a couple of patient discussion forums and it was, indeed very common, with people reporting to have gone from a size 10 to a size 16 in 3 months of taking the tablets.
When I saw my GP I didn't even have to finish my sentence, she knew I was going to say I'd put on weight. She said she could put me on Quetiapine instead but that wouldn't help me to sleep.
So I can either sleep and be fat and uncomfortable or lose some weight and not sleep! I said I'd have a think about it, which she said was fine and if I did want to change meds I could just contact the surgery and she would do a prescription for the new ones.
I thought about it for a week and decided that if I was going to come off the mirtazapine it was best to do it while I was off work. I rang the doctor and she said I needed to wean myself off them first. I have to take one, then miss a night, take one, then miss 2 nights and so on. I'm on night 6 and I'm going to be honest and say I've been struggling on the nights I haven't taken one. and during the day today I've felt anxious and jittery. But I will persevere.
I know I shouldn't let my weight bother me, but I need to feel better about other aspects of my life in order to feel better about my size and weight. And it is something that has plagued me my whole life.....
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