When life gives you lemons....

 I know I'm supposed to make lemonade but sometimes it's just too hard!

Let me catch you up on the last couple of months.

I am still adjusting to my dad being in a care home and seeing him deteriorate so quickly. The home has now been in lockdown 3 times and dad has also tested positive for Covid. Thankfully he didn't have any symptoms.

Certain things happen that make me miss him more. It was his birthday last week and we couldn't see him because of the home being in lockdown. That was tough.

I have written a chapter for a book about inspirational women and when I received a copy of the book in paperback, I was overcome with emotion thinking how much my 'old' dad would have been proud of me and wishing I could have shared the achievement with him.

Last month, after a long illness, my father-in-law passed away. I am supporting Gary as much as I can but find myself feeling guilty when I get upset about my dad because at least I will get the chance to see him and hug him again.

During all of this I decided to make a big change and move travel companies, as the consortium I was with was causing me to feel stressed and anxious. I have learnt now that when this happens I need to do something about it before it takes hold. A few years ago I would have just stewed over the things that were bothering me. I'd have had sleepless nights worrying about what to do.

Instead, I gave my feedback, did some research and terminated my contract. I have been with my new company for 4 weeks now and feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

So onward and upward I go.

Dark Clouds

I have been really struggling over the last couple of months to keep those dark clouds at bay. But sometimes it's too much and I can feel the darkness descend and the emotions rising. Then the tears just spill from my eyes and I can't stop crying.

I know, I know its good to let it all out, but I wish I could just put a cap on it.

You might be wondering why I've taken a downward turn? Or maybe you picked up on it in my last post?

As I've mentioned before, my dad has Alzheimer's. Over the last few months it seems to have progressed quite rapidly and to the point that he was admitted to hospital for 10 days. It was then decided that the best thing for him and my mum was for him to go into a nursing home full time.

This has had a devastating effect on the whole family and my poor little dad is shadow of his former self. This disease is so cruel.

We are now grieving again. We started grieving when he was first diagnosed. Over the months I could could see the dad I knew and loved slowly slipping away from of me. Our roles changed and all of a sudden he was the child and I was the adult.

Now we are grieving because he's not at home, he's not sitting in his chair with the TV blasting, he's not pottering in the garden or his greenhouse, he's not on the doorstep waving me off after giving me a big bear hug.

I miss him. I want my dad back xx 

In Reality

Not everything we share on social media is a true reflection of what is really going on in our lives is it? For me it isn't anyway.

Recently, anyone looking at my social media posts will have seen me enjoy a weekend away in London with my best friends, living my best life, shopping, drinking cocktails and champagne and having lovely meals. Then spending the next 2 weeks celebrating a milestone birthday and getting thoroughly spoilt by my friends and family. In reality and what I don't show is the struggle myself and my family are having with my dad and his deteriorating memory as he lives with Alzheimer's.

I post lovely, smiley selfies of me and my dad, which are memories I will cherish, in reality, what I don't show, is my mum and I explaining something to him for the 5th time in an hour, or him losing his temper and crying like a toddler when he doesn't get his own way.

On my Facebook page I will share fabulous days out with my best friend. In reality I have spent all day checking my phone for messages because my dad has been admitted to hospital and I've been asked by the hospital to go and sit with him to try and keep him calm.

Check my Instagram stories and there will be pictures of fancy cocktails and posh food, when in reality I was on a night out without Gary because he needs to take care of his seriously ill father.

Look at my Linkedin page and I am raving about my latest networking event and all the lovely people I have met. In reality I have hardly slept the night before worrying about how my mum is coping with my dad and his volatile moods.

So when you are checking out someone's socials, before you feel envious or comment that they are spoilt, jammy or lucky (we've all done it!) please remember that everything is not always as it seems.

Be Kind.....

Life is Cruel

I've mentioned my parents many times before and thought it was time to share a bit more about our relationship.

Like many of you I think I have the best parents in the world.

My mum has been my nurse, my chef, my therapist, my cleaner, my cheerleader, my strength, my inspiration and my best friend.

My dad has been my taxi driver, my bank manager, my bouncer, my builder of furniture, my driving instructor, my protector and my hero.

I have always been a daddy's girl.

Imagine the shock and devastation when my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 18 months ago. 

Mum and I had started to notice that he was forgetting words or struggling to find the right thing to say and he was losing his confidence. He no longer wanted to take charge and order meals or go to the bar. We urged him to go to the doctors and when he eventually did he was told it was just down to 'old age'. We knew it wasn't and his memory started getting worse, probably not as noticeable to others but certainly to us.

We pushed and pushed and finally got the GP to give him a memory test. This came back as 'mild Cognitive Impairment'. It didn't seem mild.

Finally, 4 years later and after a lot of phone calls we managed to get him assessed at a Memory Clinic and he also had a CT scan.

As we had suspected, it was Alzheimer's. Just like my Gran (my dad's mum)

The start of dad's rapid decline was when he was told he could no longer drive and we had to take his car away. That was his independence taken off him and he was devastated.

Then only a few months later was the first lockdown and I couldn't go into my parents' house for 12 weeks. There weren't support bubbles then. Dad was getting more and more confused and it was a strain on my mum. I could only see them on FaceTime, which dad struggled with, or chat to them on the doorstep when I was dropping off their shopping.

Looking back, I now realise that I had started to grieve for my dad, for the dad he once was and I wouldn't get that dad back. Every time I chatted to him there was a little less of my old dad.

Mum and I are as bad as each other and wanted to protect each other from how we were feeling, not wanting to be a burden to the other or cause extra upset. Luckily mum has an amazing group of friends, as have I.

It came to a point that mum started sharing more with me about how she was feeling and how dad's behaviour and character had changed. We support each other and talk or text every day.

One thing that hasn't change with dad is his love for me and mine for him.

I cherish every hug and kiss and every time he tells me he loves me.

I whisper in his ear "Don't ever forget how much I love you"

So now the roles are reversed. I am his taxi driver, his protector and his hero.

Life is cruel.

Alzheimer's is cruel.

This is a poem I wrote last year....

Alzheimer’s is taking my dad from me

He’s not the dad he used to be

He was always my hero, my number one

The person I went to when I wanted something done

 

Alzheimer’s is taking my dad from me

He’s not the dad he used to be

I miss him even though he’s still here

I can still hug him tight and keep him near.

 

Alzheimer’s is taking my dad from me

He’s not the dad he used to be

I have so many memories to cherish and keep

And think of them often when I’m falling asleep

 

Alzheimer’s is taking my dad from me

He’s not the dad he used to be

We have a lot of stories and photos from over the years

A lot of them now bring me to tears

 

Alzheimer’s is taking my dad from me

He’s not the dad he used to be

I grieve for him now even though he’s not gone

I try to stay strong for him and mum

 

Alzheimer’s is taking my dad from me

He’s not the dad he used to be.

The Real World

Is anyone else feeling anxious about getting back to the real world and socialising again or is it just me? 

I've definitely felt a little overwhelmed over the last few days for a variety of different reasons.

One of the main reasons for my looming anxiety is worrying about what people will think when they see me after such a long time. In my own head I am constantly thinking that I should warn them not to be shocked when they see me because I've put weight on. Don't get me wrong I'm not exactly at Jabba the Hut proportions yet, but I am not feeling great.

In reality I would hope that my friends and family will just be happy to see me whether I'm fatter or not. But I have certainly had thoughts of self-loathing creeping back into my head and have been fretting about what clothes I'm going to wear for the various gatherings I am starting to get booked. Like a lot of people I have spent the last year in sweat pants, just throwing on a nice top and some lippy if I'm on a zoom call.

I have felt very secure in my little bubble at home. Just Gary and I, our cats and being a support bubble for my mum and dad. Other than them I haven't really seen anyone in real life, apart from the occasional doorstep visit from my best friend. I haven't been to the shops as I have everything I need delivered. The thought of going into a busy shop fills me with dread.

This afternoon I bit the bullet and, as I needed to go to the post office, I decided to venture into TK Maxx. If there had been a queue to get in then I wouldn't have bothered. But I walked straight in, antibac'd my hands and started browsing. This was my thought process.....

"Okay, this isn't too bad, it's not too busy and very well organised.

But I hate wearing a face mask.

I'll go upstairs for a bit.

Right I'm definitely feeling uncomfortable now. It's hot under this mask and I can't breath properly. 

I need to get out"

I can feel a panic attack coming on as my breathing gets faster.

"Fight or flight? Fight or Flight?

Okay Lynne remember everything you've learned....in through your nose for the count of 4, hold for 2 and out through the mouth for 4.... And calm."

I did it, I stayed and didn't have to rush out of there in a state of panic.

Hurdle one - tick!

Now I've just got to have a word with myself about how I'm feeling with regards to the way I look and maybe try and be a bit kinder to myself.

There's a lot to be said for a bit of self-love.

Imposter Syndrome

 I only became aware of  Imposter Syndrome in the last year or so, but realised it has been a 'thing' for a long time.

I've been learning about it from my friend Kim, who describes it as "dealing with that inner voice that is constantly telling you that you're not good enough, that you're going to get found out, that you're a fraud, that you can't do the things that you are doing. You are going to make a fool of yourself, you're going to look stupid."

When I was chatting with Kim about this I had a light bulb moment and I really resonated with it. And in so many different times in my life too.

Thinking back to when I worked at the bank many years ago, I remembered when I won 'Counter manager of the Year' award.  I'd worked really hard for it along with my amazing team at the time. Only for my then Line Manager to tell me I had a certain member of my team to thank for winning it, insinuating that I was riding on her coat tails and I didn't deserve the award at all! It wasn't very often I got any gratitude or congratulations from that particular manager. I never felt appreciated and therefore never thought I was outstanding at anything I did. I now realise that working in an environment where, if you achieved something and did well you were spoken about negatively behind closed doors, rather than being acknowledged for the work you had done and what you had accomplished, fuelled my imposter syndrome.

I've always thought I was pretty average at everything, even though my parents have always been my greatest cheerleaders and have been very proud of everything I have ever achieved and encouraged me all the way.

So when things happen like becoming the travel columnist for the Grantham Journal, I definitely felt like I had Imposter Syndrome. I'm not a proper writer and I'm certainly not a journalist. I'm just a middle-aged, menopausal woman who's changed her career and is trying to get her new travel business off the ground amidst a global pandemic.

Then that inner voice told me I would only get one column published and it was a fluke. Each month, when I emailed the editor with my next column, I was expecting it not to be published. But there it was and has been every month since July.

When I made the decision to leave the bank and become self-employed as a travel agent (something I knew very little about) that voice in my head kept saying "What if it all goes wrong? What if you can't learn their computer systems? What if you make a massive error?" "What if you've given up a secure job and your business is a failure?" "What if you don't get any bookings?"

It is like having that little devil on your shoulder and you just have to flick it away.

There are some people out there that find Imposter Syndrome debilitating, as they are always in a constant battle to take control.

Thanks to my amazing friends and support system that devil on my shoulder is more of a whisper than a big booming voice!

Having a Wobble

 It's not just me is it? This lockdown is a lot tougher than the first two. Well, I know it's not just me because my friends are saying the same things as I am.

As much as I am the epitome of a home bird, and love to snuggle up on the sofa with my cats (and sometimes Gary) and binge-watch Netflix, I am really missing going out socialising. I don't even mean going 'out out'. I mean just going to a local cafe for brunch or a coffee and a catch-up with my friends. Zoom and FaceTime are all well and good but it's just not the same as seeing someone in person.

And don't even get me started on hugs! Gary gives great bear hugs, but I really miss giving my friends a squeeze, even the ones that don't enjoy them (you know who you are!)

I try and keep this blog as positive as I can, so I did think twice before writing this post. But I also want to keep this space real and the reality is we all feel a bit crappy!

I'm not ashamed to say I've broken down a few times over the last couple of weeks. Times when I've really wanted to hug my friends tightly.

It's not just the fact that we are stuck indoors. It's also the culmination of my old anxieties, worrying about my travel business and the future of the travel industry. I was trying to balance that and working full time, for an atrocious contact centre, who micro-managed your every move. Throw in the guilt I was feeling of not being able to go round and see mum and dad as often (I'm their support bubble) and that is what brought on my wobble.

But it's allowed, not just for me but of us all. You don't have to keep it together all of the time.

To end things on a more positive note, my contract with that dire contact centre has come to an end and I am free!

I have more full time work on the horizon, which will be much more flexible as they have a great work home life balance ethos.

And, everyone is desperate to go on holiday when this shit show is over, so I am raring to go and make my business a success.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.....

It's ok not to be ok.