Imposter Syndrome

 I only became aware of  Imposter Syndrome in the last year or so, but realised it has been a 'thing' for a long time.

I've been learning about it from my friend Kim, who describes it as "dealing with that inner voice that is constantly telling you that you're not good enough, that you're going to get found out, that you're a fraud, that you can't do the things that you are doing. You are going to make a fool of yourself, you're going to look stupid."

When I was chatting with Kim about this I had a light bulb moment and I really resonated with it. And in so many different times in my life too.

Thinking back to when I worked at the bank many years ago, I remembered when I won 'Counter manager of the Year' award.  I'd worked really hard for it along with my amazing team at the time. Only for my then Line Manager to tell me I had a certain member of my team to thank for winning it, insinuating that I was riding on her coat tails and I didn't deserve the award at all! It wasn't very often I got any gratitude or congratulations from that particular manager. I never felt appreciated and therefore never thought I was outstanding at anything I did. I now realise that working in an environment where, if you achieved something and did well you were spoken about negatively behind closed doors, rather than being acknowledged for the work you had done and what you had accomplished, fuelled my imposter syndrome.

I've always thought I was pretty average at everything, even though my parents have always been my greatest cheerleaders and have been very proud of everything I have ever achieved and encouraged me all the way.

So when things happen like becoming the travel columnist for the Grantham Journal, I definitely felt like I had Imposter Syndrome. I'm not a proper writer and I'm certainly not a journalist. I'm just a middle-aged, menopausal woman who's changed her career and is trying to get her new travel business off the ground amidst a global pandemic.

Then that inner voice told me I would only get one column published and it was a fluke. Each month, when I emailed the editor with my next column, I was expecting it not to be published. But there it was and has been every month since July.

When I made the decision to leave the bank and become self-employed as a travel agent (something I knew very little about) that voice in my head kept saying "What if it all goes wrong? What if you can't learn their computer systems? What if you make a massive error?" "What if you've given up a secure job and your business is a failure?" "What if you don't get any bookings?"

It is like having that little devil on your shoulder and you just have to flick it away.

There are some people out there that find Imposter Syndrome debilitating, as they are always in a constant battle to take control.

Thanks to my amazing friends and support system that devil on my shoulder is more of a whisper than a big booming voice!