I should really call this Travelling with excess baggage! That's what it feels like. I'm not just talking about the actual act of travelling to your holiday destination, but also the booking, the build up, the packing, the airport experience. The whole lot make me anxious and yet I love my holidays. Even writing about it now I'm feeling anxious!
Shouldn't I just feel grateful and very lucky that Gary and I get to go on holiday? An awful lot of people can't.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting the feelings of anxiety mixed up with excitement?
I'll try to explain as best I can.
An example is we are going away in May so last night I thought I ought to book our airport parking. The whole time I was looking for the best deal, my heart was pounding in my throat and before I booked it I had to keep going back to the holiday confirmation to check and recheck that I'd got the dates, times and terminal right. I haven't got it wrong before so I don't know why it worries me so much?
So that's the holiday booked, the car parking and the airport lounge. I like to go to the airport lounge to get away from the hustle and bustle of departures, I find it overwhelming otherwise.
The next thing to think about is the dreaded packing. Luckily, my wonderful friend got me a packing list that I can tick off as I go, so that helps hugely. Although, it doesn't stop me from unpacking and repacking a good few times and losing sleep over whether I've packed the right stuff or enough stuff or too much stuff and the cases are going to be overweight. What am I going to wear to travel in, what time should we leave to get to the airport, what if we get stuck in traffic, what if the plane is delayed and we miss our connecting flight. the list goes on and on.
Then, once that is all out of the way, I have to deal with the anxiety of leaving my cats and my parents. What if something happens to one of them while we're away?
Once we're parked up at the airport, the anxiety is heightened when I'm waiting in the queue to check the bags in (what if they get lost), waiting in the queue for security and at the gate. It's a good job I'm not scared of flying!
When we're on the plane I'm not too bad,although I hardly ever sleep even on long haul.
Then once we've landed the anxiety starts again with passport control, baggage claim, the transfer to the hotel, what's the hotel like and will our room be ok?
Then I can unpack and relax as best I can until I have to think about travelling home and then the anxious thoughts all start again....
Tuesday, 26 March 2019
Sunday, 17 March 2019
Therapy Thursday - A.C.T
For my second therapy session I had quite a bit to get off my chest after not having the best time over the previous weekend (let's just say there was a lot of ugly crying and snot going on). When my rant was over my therapist explained that we would be going through A.C.T which is Acceptance and Commitment therapy. This is split into three categories: Mindfulness, Acceptance and Values. We were going to concentrate on mindfulness in this session.
I made myself comfortable in the chair with my feet on the floor (this helps you to feel grounded), I shut my eyes and just listened to my therapist's voice. His soothing tones said to be aware of my surroundings, the sounds, the feeling of the chair, the taste in my mouth, the smell of the room. I may have other thoughts going on or my mind may wander, this is perfectly ok. Now I was to take notice of my breathing, how every time my lungs fill with air I then breathe out and they are empty and I don't even have to try. And all the time his calming voice is saying that it's ok for my mind to wander, just come back to my breathing...in and out....in and out.
After some time (I've no idea how long as I could quite have easily fallen asleep) I heard him say for me to start being aware of the sounds, the feel, the smell and the taste and then to open my eyes and take in my surroundings.
Although this isn't supposed to be a relaxation technique, you don't have to close your eyes, it is a mindfulness technique, I did feel relaxed and if I had been lying down I'm pretty sure I would have dropped off to sleep.
One of the analogies he gave me was to see my anxious/negative thoughts as leaves on a stream, acknowledge they are there but don't pick them out of the stream, just let then float by.
Apparently the part of my brain where anxiety is (our fight or flight mode if you like) is in overdrive and the part where my self confidence is he likened to a weak, spindly muscle in need of a bootcamp session. So that is what we will work on next time.
I have been on holiday this week and my therapist is next week, so no Therapy Thursday for 3 weeks.
I'm thinking of doing my next post on travelling abroad when you suffer with anxiety?
Watch this space.....
I made myself comfortable in the chair with my feet on the floor (this helps you to feel grounded), I shut my eyes and just listened to my therapist's voice. His soothing tones said to be aware of my surroundings, the sounds, the feeling of the chair, the taste in my mouth, the smell of the room. I may have other thoughts going on or my mind may wander, this is perfectly ok. Now I was to take notice of my breathing, how every time my lungs fill with air I then breathe out and they are empty and I don't even have to try. And all the time his calming voice is saying that it's ok for my mind to wander, just come back to my breathing...in and out....in and out.
After some time (I've no idea how long as I could quite have easily fallen asleep) I heard him say for me to start being aware of the sounds, the feel, the smell and the taste and then to open my eyes and take in my surroundings.
Although this isn't supposed to be a relaxation technique, you don't have to close your eyes, it is a mindfulness technique, I did feel relaxed and if I had been lying down I'm pretty sure I would have dropped off to sleep.
One of the analogies he gave me was to see my anxious/negative thoughts as leaves on a stream, acknowledge they are there but don't pick them out of the stream, just let then float by.
Apparently the part of my brain where anxiety is (our fight or flight mode if you like) is in overdrive and the part where my self confidence is he likened to a weak, spindly muscle in need of a bootcamp session. So that is what we will work on next time.
I have been on holiday this week and my therapist is next week, so no Therapy Thursday for 3 weeks.
I'm thinking of doing my next post on travelling abroad when you suffer with anxiety?
Watch this space.....
Friday, 1 March 2019
Therapy Thursday
So yesterday was my first therapy session and I'm glad to say it was with my original therapist, so I didn't have the added anxiety of meeting someone new and hoping I'd be comfortable with them.
As it was the first session we had a catch up of where I am now, what I've been going through since my last sessions in October and what I want to get out of these sessions.
I completed some questions about how I'd been feeling over the last 2 weeks, with a choice of answers from 'not at all', 'occasionally', 'often' to 'all of the time'. After completing that he said my answers indicated that I was suffering with severe depression and moderate anxiety.
We had a chat about how I was feeling about everything and I explained that I have lost my self confidence and don't feel like I'm good enough for anything. So our main aim in the therapy is to work on my self confidence, which is where the Compassion Focused Therapy comes into it ( see my previous post). He said I need to have more compassion towards myself not others. I need to be kinder to myself and stop thinking of myself as a burden to Gary and my family and not to feel guilty about having a mental illness.
It was hard to admit to him that there had been times when I thought Gary would be better off without me as I am such a burden and strain. It would have been easy just to take all my tablets in one go and not wake up in the morning. But I couldn't do that to him or my friends and family. They mean the world to me. So I have to push those dark thoughts away and be grateful to have a loving, hard working, supportive husband and a family who love me no matter what.
So that was session one. I felt really tired and drained when I got home, but I'm glad I've got the extra help.
Until next time...
As it was the first session we had a catch up of where I am now, what I've been going through since my last sessions in October and what I want to get out of these sessions.
I completed some questions about how I'd been feeling over the last 2 weeks, with a choice of answers from 'not at all', 'occasionally', 'often' to 'all of the time'. After completing that he said my answers indicated that I was suffering with severe depression and moderate anxiety.
We had a chat about how I was feeling about everything and I explained that I have lost my self confidence and don't feel like I'm good enough for anything. So our main aim in the therapy is to work on my self confidence, which is where the Compassion Focused Therapy comes into it ( see my previous post). He said I need to have more compassion towards myself not others. I need to be kinder to myself and stop thinking of myself as a burden to Gary and my family and not to feel guilty about having a mental illness.
It was hard to admit to him that there had been times when I thought Gary would be better off without me as I am such a burden and strain. It would have been easy just to take all my tablets in one go and not wake up in the morning. But I couldn't do that to him or my friends and family. They mean the world to me. So I have to push those dark thoughts away and be grateful to have a loving, hard working, supportive husband and a family who love me no matter what.
So that was session one. I felt really tired and drained when I got home, but I'm glad I've got the extra help.
Until next time...
Saturday, 16 February 2019
Compassion Focused Therapy
After a phone call with my Occupational Health nurse, a lengthy telephone assessment with a counsellor and a telephone consultation with an independent doctor, it has been suggested that I have 14 sessions of Compassion Focused therapy.
Now I have never heard of this sort of therapy so had to Google it, as the next phone call I get about my treatment will be from the therapist who will be treating me and I'd like to know a bit about it first.
Apparently CFT is used to treat problems associated with shame, self-criticism and self-hate, which can be features of anxiety and depression. It helps people develop and work with experiences of inner warmth, safeness and soothing, via compassion and self-compassion.
The thing that has struck me about this is that I've always thought of myself as a compassionate person towards others and I'm pretty sure my friends and family would agree. OK, so I might be hard on myself and could give myself a break now and again, but with other people I am always there to lend an ear, or a shoulder and give a hug.
So I'm intrigued as to how this therapy is going to go and, of course I'm feeling anxious about it. I'll let you know how it goes....
Now I have never heard of this sort of therapy so had to Google it, as the next phone call I get about my treatment will be from the therapist who will be treating me and I'd like to know a bit about it first.
Apparently CFT is used to treat problems associated with shame, self-criticism and self-hate, which can be features of anxiety and depression. It helps people develop and work with experiences of inner warmth, safeness and soothing, via compassion and self-compassion.
The thing that has struck me about this is that I've always thought of myself as a compassionate person towards others and I'm pretty sure my friends and family would agree. OK, so I might be hard on myself and could give myself a break now and again, but with other people I am always there to lend an ear, or a shoulder and give a hug.
So I'm intrigued as to how this therapy is going to go and, of course I'm feeling anxious about it. I'll let you know how it goes....
Friday, 8 February 2019
Everyone is an expert.
I have found since I have been diagnosed with a mental illness that so many people suddenly think they know what's best for me! More so than my GP, therapist or Occupational Health Nurse, all of which I have spoken to in depth about my innermost thoughts and demons and cried my heart out to.
Some of the things I have heard or been told from these experts are;
"Wouldn't you be better off at work?"
"Keep yourself busy"
"Just have your glass half full and nothing can stop you"
"You are the only person stopping you getting better"
"Always look towards the light and then you'll never be in the shadows"
"Don't let it bother you"
"I wouldn't let things worry you too much"
"There's always someone worse off than you"
And so it goes on!
Thank you for your insightfulness Janice* if only I had known it was that simple. I shall relay these suggestions back to my medical team immediately! Look out for a press release with your findings. I'm sure your Phd is in the post.
I reckon there are many more that you and I have all heard and I really do wish it were that simple.....
* names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Some of the things I have heard or been told from these experts are;
"Wouldn't you be better off at work?"
"Keep yourself busy"
"Just have your glass half full and nothing can stop you"
"You are the only person stopping you getting better"
"Always look towards the light and then you'll never be in the shadows"
"Don't let it bother you"
"I wouldn't let things worry you too much"
"There's always someone worse off than you"
And so it goes on!
Thank you for your insightfulness Janice* if only I had known it was that simple. I shall relay these suggestions back to my medical team immediately! Look out for a press release with your findings. I'm sure your Phd is in the post.
I reckon there are many more that you and I have all heard and I really do wish it were that simple.....
* names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Monday, 14 January 2019
The Story of Us
My other relationship came to an end and our mutual friends got married in 1999, where I was chief bridesmaid and Gary was an usher. I flirted with him all day and.........nothing!
I then didn't see him again for a good few years. There weren't really any mobile phones back then and certainly no social media. A work colleague invited me to her hen do in our old stomping ground, we were having a few drinks and a dance when, who do I spy across the dance floor but Pagey!
If it wasn't for his cute dimples I wouldn't have recognised him, he'd put weight on (as had I) and he'd shaved his hair off (I'd gone blonde). As I was under the influence I bowled on over and gave him a hug! We had a drunken catch up and I put my number into his ancient mobile (Nokia 3310 I think)! I waited and........nothing!
Then towards the end of 2009 I got a friend request on Facebook from none other than Gary Page. We sent a few messages back and forth, tentatively asking about relationships and kids (none for either of us) And then in the new year I got a message from him while I was at work. I don't embarrass easily, but one of the girls noticed I was blushing. Pagey had finally asked me out for a drink! It had only taken him 17 years!
Our first date was on 30th January 2010, I proposed to him on 1st January 2012 (a leap year) and we got married on a beach in Mauritius on 30th January 2013 (so he only has 1 date to remember!) It really was the best day ever and I would love to do it all over again.
And that is the story of us........
Monday, 7 January 2019
Me, my mental health and I
I've suffered on and off with depression for about 20 years now. I've had times when it's been bad, I've had to take medication, have a lengthy time off work, seek counselling and stay with my parents (I was living on my own at the that time). But I was only officially diagnosed with anxiety (with depression) in February 2018.
I'd been taking anti-depressants this time for a couple of years (10mg Citalopram) which I was prescribed for starting early menopause (I'm sure I'll talk more about that in future post) It was to help with my mood swings and hot flushes.
In February last year there was a problem with getting my repeat prescription sent to the correct pharmacy, which I won't bore you with, but I ended up going cold turkey without my meds for 6 days, even though I'd ordered them in plenty of time. I had never experienced withdrawal symptoms before and I don't ever want to again. They were at their worst when I was at work. It was a Wednesday and I will never forget the feeling in my head. It was like I'd move my head and then my brain would follow a few seconds later. I believe this is called a brain zap. I was feeling dizzy, nauseous and very tearful. Then the panic attacks started. The first one on the High Street that day. I felt like everyone was coming at me, it was overwhelming. I was sweating, my heart was racing and I couldn't catch my breath, made worse by crying. I had to hold on to a wall while I was trying to talk to my husband on the phone. He immediately came to pick me up and take me home. I then didn't leave my bed for 3 days, only to go to the loo. I didn't shower or wash my hair, I didn't brush my teeth or change my PJs or bedding and the only people I spoke to were my husband and parents.
My parents know how to deal with me but my husband had never witnessed me in that state before and didn't know what to do or what to say. It must have been so hard for him and probably still is. Luckily I found some stuff online that he could read, which helped a little.
Needless to say my GP signed me off work, increased my meds and I was referred for counselling through my private medical insurance from work. Even though I went private I still didn't manage to get an appointment until mid May, so I'd been off work about 10 weeks by then.
I haven't had the best experiences with counselling in the past. I either didn't click with the counsellor or they were airy fairy and I ended up telling them what they wanted to hear so I didn't have to go back. So I didn't have high hopes! I was really nervous for the first session, but there was no need. I had been referred to a Consultant Clinical and Forensic Psychologist and the sessions felt more like therapy than counselling. Sometimes he would just let me ramble on, we would do breathing exercises and he would also give homework.
Don't get me wrong, he's no miracle worker, but he certainly helped. I felt stronger and wanted to go back to work in June. As I'd been off for so long I was able to do a phased return and work part-time, gradually increasing my hours each week. Unfortunately, I had run before I could walk and after 4 weeks I couldn't cope and was signed off again and my meds increased once more.
I carried on with therapy and by mid-August I felt much more myself so asked if I could go back to work. Things were much more structured this time, and I had a holiday to look forward to in September. Things went much smoother, I was still feeling anxious and that I didn't quite fit in at work anymore.
We had a lovely, relaxing week in Tenerife and I felt better than I had in ages. I hadn't had a panic attack in weeks. I spoke to my Occupational Health Nurse and she was so pleased with my progress she closed my case, my therapist was happy to sign me off after 14 sessions and I asked my GP if I could start reducing my meds. She reluctantly agreed, but said she wanted to keep an eye on me, especially with winter coming up. When my current packet of meds ran out I could then drop by 10mg (I was on 40mg at that time).
Three weeks later I had been on my lower dosage of tablets and the dark thoughts and anxiety started to rear their ugly heads again. I began having panic attacks again, feeling really paranoid and crying uncontrollably. Cancelling plans with friends and not wanting to go out.
You can see where this is going.
So it is now January and I have been signed off by my GP again, she has increased my meds back to 40mg and I am now also taking Beta Blockers to try and calm my heart palpitations. This time I have been off since mid November and every time I think about work the anxiety feels worse. I don't sleep much, 5 hours on a good night, or like last night, my fitbit said 29 minutes. I think those of you who suffer with anxiety or depressions will agree with me that we like sleep. Everything is ok when you sleep. But as soon as you wake up it all starts again.....
I'd been taking anti-depressants this time for a couple of years (10mg Citalopram) which I was prescribed for starting early menopause (I'm sure I'll talk more about that in future post) It was to help with my mood swings and hot flushes.
In February last year there was a problem with getting my repeat prescription sent to the correct pharmacy, which I won't bore you with, but I ended up going cold turkey without my meds for 6 days, even though I'd ordered them in plenty of time. I had never experienced withdrawal symptoms before and I don't ever want to again. They were at their worst when I was at work. It was a Wednesday and I will never forget the feeling in my head. It was like I'd move my head and then my brain would follow a few seconds later. I believe this is called a brain zap. I was feeling dizzy, nauseous and very tearful. Then the panic attacks started. The first one on the High Street that day. I felt like everyone was coming at me, it was overwhelming. I was sweating, my heart was racing and I couldn't catch my breath, made worse by crying. I had to hold on to a wall while I was trying to talk to my husband on the phone. He immediately came to pick me up and take me home. I then didn't leave my bed for 3 days, only to go to the loo. I didn't shower or wash my hair, I didn't brush my teeth or change my PJs or bedding and the only people I spoke to were my husband and parents.
My parents know how to deal with me but my husband had never witnessed me in that state before and didn't know what to do or what to say. It must have been so hard for him and probably still is. Luckily I found some stuff online that he could read, which helped a little.
Needless to say my GP signed me off work, increased my meds and I was referred for counselling through my private medical insurance from work. Even though I went private I still didn't manage to get an appointment until mid May, so I'd been off work about 10 weeks by then.
I haven't had the best experiences with counselling in the past. I either didn't click with the counsellor or they were airy fairy and I ended up telling them what they wanted to hear so I didn't have to go back. So I didn't have high hopes! I was really nervous for the first session, but there was no need. I had been referred to a Consultant Clinical and Forensic Psychologist and the sessions felt more like therapy than counselling. Sometimes he would just let me ramble on, we would do breathing exercises and he would also give homework.
Don't get me wrong, he's no miracle worker, but he certainly helped. I felt stronger and wanted to go back to work in June. As I'd been off for so long I was able to do a phased return and work part-time, gradually increasing my hours each week. Unfortunately, I had run before I could walk and after 4 weeks I couldn't cope and was signed off again and my meds increased once more.
I carried on with therapy and by mid-August I felt much more myself so asked if I could go back to work. Things were much more structured this time, and I had a holiday to look forward to in September. Things went much smoother, I was still feeling anxious and that I didn't quite fit in at work anymore.
We had a lovely, relaxing week in Tenerife and I felt better than I had in ages. I hadn't had a panic attack in weeks. I spoke to my Occupational Health Nurse and she was so pleased with my progress she closed my case, my therapist was happy to sign me off after 14 sessions and I asked my GP if I could start reducing my meds. She reluctantly agreed, but said she wanted to keep an eye on me, especially with winter coming up. When my current packet of meds ran out I could then drop by 10mg (I was on 40mg at that time).
Three weeks later I had been on my lower dosage of tablets and the dark thoughts and anxiety started to rear their ugly heads again. I began having panic attacks again, feeling really paranoid and crying uncontrollably. Cancelling plans with friends and not wanting to go out.
You can see where this is going.
So it is now January and I have been signed off by my GP again, she has increased my meds back to 40mg and I am now also taking Beta Blockers to try and calm my heart palpitations. This time I have been off since mid November and every time I think about work the anxiety feels worse. I don't sleep much, 5 hours on a good night, or like last night, my fitbit said 29 minutes. I think those of you who suffer with anxiety or depressions will agree with me that we like sleep. Everything is ok when you sleep. But as soon as you wake up it all starts again.....
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