Before Gary and I got married we discussed having children and whether we were too old or too selfish to be parents. I'd seen how Gary was with his nieces and nephew and thought he'd be a great dad. I've wanted a baby since I was about 25 but as I'd been single for so long, had given up any hope of becoming a mum, until now. so we decided we wouldn't put any pressure on ourselves, if it happened it would be amazing but if it didn't then we would accept that it wasn't meant to be and be grateful that we have each other and have a great life.
We were 41 when we got married and after a couple of years there was no signs of any babies. I'd also not been feeling myself, my periods were irregular and very heavy, I was having hot flushes and night sweats and my mood sings were getting worse. I thought Id better get myself to the doctors and get checked out. I had blood tests and the results were I was peri-menopausal. This was the beginning of the menopause and I was only 43. My mum had gone through the menopause early so the chances of it happening to me were pretty high.
I was devastated, I went back to work in floods of tears and rang Gary to try and explain, but couldn't get my words out because I was so upset.
So that was it, the decision to have a baby had pretty much been taken out of our hands. If it hadn't happened by now, the chances of getting pregnant in the future were greatly reduced. We didn't want to go down the route of IVF because we know so many couples that had tried it and seen what they'd gone through. I personally know I couldn't have handled it and have so much admiration for the people that do. And we decided we were too old to go through the adoption process.
So that was it.
We were going to be a childless couple.
That's when I was first prescribed Citalopram, as it helps with hot flushes. It did for a while, I also tried soy tablets, changing my diet, black cloche, herbal teas...all sorts.
I'd seem fine but then I'd find out someone was pregnant and, although I was happy for them, I was also upset that it wasn't me. And the tears would flow. As much as I love being an Aunty and a Godmother, it's not the same.
Five years on and people have stopped asking when we're going to have kids. I am now on HRT and ,yes, I am grateful for the life I have. And now I think of us as a child-free couple not childless. We have our fur babies and, although there will always be that emptiness that can't be filled, I've come to terms with it now.
This has been a really hard post to write. It's probably the first time I've properly thought about how I felt.
I've got a lot of love to give and so my friends, family and cats have it all.
much love....
Monday, 8 April 2019
Monday, 1 April 2019
To sleep or not to sleep?
As I've mentioned in previous posts I really struggle to get to sleep at night and some nights I don't sleep at all. Insomnia is real.
I spoke to my GP about the issues I was having and everything I had tried. This included staying off electronic devices before bed, burning a lavender candle, pillow spray, listening to sleep stories, reading, having a warm milky drink, herbal teas, mindfulness. Nothing seemed to work. So my doctor said she would prescribe me an extra antidepressant to take at night which would help me sleep. I would try anything at this point! My prescription was for 15mg of Mirtazapine.
Sure enough, the first time I took one I was out like a light and slept for 11 hours straight, but I woke up feeling groggy and out of sorts for the rest of the day. Gradually, I've got used to them and am now sleeping between 5 and 7 hours every night.and not feeling groggy once I've woken up.
After 6 or 7 weeks of taking them my clothes started to feel a bit snug and I was feeling uncomfortable. I know I shouldn't have, but I stood on the dreaded scales of doom and was horrified to see I'd put a stone on in 6 weeks! WTF?! How the hell had that happened? I don't think I'd been eating any differently and certainly not enough to put that much weight on in such a short space of time!
I was due to see my GP for a review and decided I would talk to her about it as it wasn't helping with the way I was feeling. Meanwhile, I googled the side effects of Mirtazapine and right there at the top of very common side effects was weight gain. I looked at a couple of patient discussion forums and it was, indeed very common, with people reporting to have gone from a size 10 to a size 16 in 3 months of taking the tablets.
When I saw my GP I didn't even have to finish my sentence, she knew I was going to say I'd put on weight. She said she could put me on Quetiapine instead but that wouldn't help me to sleep.
So I can either sleep and be fat and uncomfortable or lose some weight and not sleep! I said I'd have a think about it, which she said was fine and if I did want to change meds I could just contact the surgery and she would do a prescription for the new ones.
I thought about it for a week and decided that if I was going to come off the mirtazapine it was best to do it while I was off work. I rang the doctor and she said I needed to wean myself off them first. I have to take one, then miss a night, take one, then miss 2 nights and so on. I'm on night 6 and I'm going to be honest and say I've been struggling on the nights I haven't taken one. and during the day today I've felt anxious and jittery. But I will persevere.
I know I shouldn't let my weight bother me, but I need to feel better about other aspects of my life in order to feel better about my size and weight. And it is something that has plagued me my whole life.....
I spoke to my GP about the issues I was having and everything I had tried. This included staying off electronic devices before bed, burning a lavender candle, pillow spray, listening to sleep stories, reading, having a warm milky drink, herbal teas, mindfulness. Nothing seemed to work. So my doctor said she would prescribe me an extra antidepressant to take at night which would help me sleep. I would try anything at this point! My prescription was for 15mg of Mirtazapine.
Sure enough, the first time I took one I was out like a light and slept for 11 hours straight, but I woke up feeling groggy and out of sorts for the rest of the day. Gradually, I've got used to them and am now sleeping between 5 and 7 hours every night.and not feeling groggy once I've woken up.
After 6 or 7 weeks of taking them my clothes started to feel a bit snug and I was feeling uncomfortable. I know I shouldn't have, but I stood on the dreaded scales of doom and was horrified to see I'd put a stone on in 6 weeks! WTF?! How the hell had that happened? I don't think I'd been eating any differently and certainly not enough to put that much weight on in such a short space of time!
I was due to see my GP for a review and decided I would talk to her about it as it wasn't helping with the way I was feeling. Meanwhile, I googled the side effects of Mirtazapine and right there at the top of very common side effects was weight gain. I looked at a couple of patient discussion forums and it was, indeed very common, with people reporting to have gone from a size 10 to a size 16 in 3 months of taking the tablets.
When I saw my GP I didn't even have to finish my sentence, she knew I was going to say I'd put on weight. She said she could put me on Quetiapine instead but that wouldn't help me to sleep.
So I can either sleep and be fat and uncomfortable or lose some weight and not sleep! I said I'd have a think about it, which she said was fine and if I did want to change meds I could just contact the surgery and she would do a prescription for the new ones.
I thought about it for a week and decided that if I was going to come off the mirtazapine it was best to do it while I was off work. I rang the doctor and she said I needed to wean myself off them first. I have to take one, then miss a night, take one, then miss 2 nights and so on. I'm on night 6 and I'm going to be honest and say I've been struggling on the nights I haven't taken one. and during the day today I've felt anxious and jittery. But I will persevere.
I know I shouldn't let my weight bother me, but I need to feel better about other aspects of my life in order to feel better about my size and weight. And it is something that has plagued me my whole life.....
Tuesday, 26 March 2019
Travelling with Anxiety
I should really call this Travelling with excess baggage! That's what it feels like. I'm not just talking about the actual act of travelling to your holiday destination, but also the booking, the build up, the packing, the airport experience. The whole lot make me anxious and yet I love my holidays. Even writing about it now I'm feeling anxious!
Shouldn't I just feel grateful and very lucky that Gary and I get to go on holiday? An awful lot of people can't.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting the feelings of anxiety mixed up with excitement?
I'll try to explain as best I can.
An example is we are going away in May so last night I thought I ought to book our airport parking. The whole time I was looking for the best deal, my heart was pounding in my throat and before I booked it I had to keep going back to the holiday confirmation to check and recheck that I'd got the dates, times and terminal right. I haven't got it wrong before so I don't know why it worries me so much?
So that's the holiday booked, the car parking and the airport lounge. I like to go to the airport lounge to get away from the hustle and bustle of departures, I find it overwhelming otherwise.
The next thing to think about is the dreaded packing. Luckily, my wonderful friend got me a packing list that I can tick off as I go, so that helps hugely. Although, it doesn't stop me from unpacking and repacking a good few times and losing sleep over whether I've packed the right stuff or enough stuff or too much stuff and the cases are going to be overweight. What am I going to wear to travel in, what time should we leave to get to the airport, what if we get stuck in traffic, what if the plane is delayed and we miss our connecting flight. the list goes on and on.
Then, once that is all out of the way, I have to deal with the anxiety of leaving my cats and my parents. What if something happens to one of them while we're away?
Once we're parked up at the airport, the anxiety is heightened when I'm waiting in the queue to check the bags in (what if they get lost), waiting in the queue for security and at the gate. It's a good job I'm not scared of flying!
When we're on the plane I'm not too bad,although I hardly ever sleep even on long haul.
Then once we've landed the anxiety starts again with passport control, baggage claim, the transfer to the hotel, what's the hotel like and will our room be ok?
Then I can unpack and relax as best I can until I have to think about travelling home and then the anxious thoughts all start again....
Shouldn't I just feel grateful and very lucky that Gary and I get to go on holiday? An awful lot of people can't.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting the feelings of anxiety mixed up with excitement?
I'll try to explain as best I can.
An example is we are going away in May so last night I thought I ought to book our airport parking. The whole time I was looking for the best deal, my heart was pounding in my throat and before I booked it I had to keep going back to the holiday confirmation to check and recheck that I'd got the dates, times and terminal right. I haven't got it wrong before so I don't know why it worries me so much?
So that's the holiday booked, the car parking and the airport lounge. I like to go to the airport lounge to get away from the hustle and bustle of departures, I find it overwhelming otherwise.
The next thing to think about is the dreaded packing. Luckily, my wonderful friend got me a packing list that I can tick off as I go, so that helps hugely. Although, it doesn't stop me from unpacking and repacking a good few times and losing sleep over whether I've packed the right stuff or enough stuff or too much stuff and the cases are going to be overweight. What am I going to wear to travel in, what time should we leave to get to the airport, what if we get stuck in traffic, what if the plane is delayed and we miss our connecting flight. the list goes on and on.
Then, once that is all out of the way, I have to deal with the anxiety of leaving my cats and my parents. What if something happens to one of them while we're away?
Once we're parked up at the airport, the anxiety is heightened when I'm waiting in the queue to check the bags in (what if they get lost), waiting in the queue for security and at the gate. It's a good job I'm not scared of flying!
When we're on the plane I'm not too bad,although I hardly ever sleep even on long haul.
Then once we've landed the anxiety starts again with passport control, baggage claim, the transfer to the hotel, what's the hotel like and will our room be ok?
Then I can unpack and relax as best I can until I have to think about travelling home and then the anxious thoughts all start again....
Sunday, 17 March 2019
Therapy Thursday - A.C.T
For my second therapy session I had quite a bit to get off my chest after not having the best time over the previous weekend (let's just say there was a lot of ugly crying and snot going on). When my rant was over my therapist explained that we would be going through A.C.T which is Acceptance and Commitment therapy. This is split into three categories: Mindfulness, Acceptance and Values. We were going to concentrate on mindfulness in this session.
I made myself comfortable in the chair with my feet on the floor (this helps you to feel grounded), I shut my eyes and just listened to my therapist's voice. His soothing tones said to be aware of my surroundings, the sounds, the feeling of the chair, the taste in my mouth, the smell of the room. I may have other thoughts going on or my mind may wander, this is perfectly ok. Now I was to take notice of my breathing, how every time my lungs fill with air I then breathe out and they are empty and I don't even have to try. And all the time his calming voice is saying that it's ok for my mind to wander, just come back to my breathing...in and out....in and out.
After some time (I've no idea how long as I could quite have easily fallen asleep) I heard him say for me to start being aware of the sounds, the feel, the smell and the taste and then to open my eyes and take in my surroundings.
Although this isn't supposed to be a relaxation technique, you don't have to close your eyes, it is a mindfulness technique, I did feel relaxed and if I had been lying down I'm pretty sure I would have dropped off to sleep.
One of the analogies he gave me was to see my anxious/negative thoughts as leaves on a stream, acknowledge they are there but don't pick them out of the stream, just let then float by.
Apparently the part of my brain where anxiety is (our fight or flight mode if you like) is in overdrive and the part where my self confidence is he likened to a weak, spindly muscle in need of a bootcamp session. So that is what we will work on next time.
I have been on holiday this week and my therapist is next week, so no Therapy Thursday for 3 weeks.
I'm thinking of doing my next post on travelling abroad when you suffer with anxiety?
Watch this space.....
I made myself comfortable in the chair with my feet on the floor (this helps you to feel grounded), I shut my eyes and just listened to my therapist's voice. His soothing tones said to be aware of my surroundings, the sounds, the feeling of the chair, the taste in my mouth, the smell of the room. I may have other thoughts going on or my mind may wander, this is perfectly ok. Now I was to take notice of my breathing, how every time my lungs fill with air I then breathe out and they are empty and I don't even have to try. And all the time his calming voice is saying that it's ok for my mind to wander, just come back to my breathing...in and out....in and out.
After some time (I've no idea how long as I could quite have easily fallen asleep) I heard him say for me to start being aware of the sounds, the feel, the smell and the taste and then to open my eyes and take in my surroundings.
Although this isn't supposed to be a relaxation technique, you don't have to close your eyes, it is a mindfulness technique, I did feel relaxed and if I had been lying down I'm pretty sure I would have dropped off to sleep.
One of the analogies he gave me was to see my anxious/negative thoughts as leaves on a stream, acknowledge they are there but don't pick them out of the stream, just let then float by.
Apparently the part of my brain where anxiety is (our fight or flight mode if you like) is in overdrive and the part where my self confidence is he likened to a weak, spindly muscle in need of a bootcamp session. So that is what we will work on next time.
I have been on holiday this week and my therapist is next week, so no Therapy Thursday for 3 weeks.
I'm thinking of doing my next post on travelling abroad when you suffer with anxiety?
Watch this space.....
Friday, 1 March 2019
Therapy Thursday
So yesterday was my first therapy session and I'm glad to say it was with my original therapist, so I didn't have the added anxiety of meeting someone new and hoping I'd be comfortable with them.
As it was the first session we had a catch up of where I am now, what I've been going through since my last sessions in October and what I want to get out of these sessions.
I completed some questions about how I'd been feeling over the last 2 weeks, with a choice of answers from 'not at all', 'occasionally', 'often' to 'all of the time'. After completing that he said my answers indicated that I was suffering with severe depression and moderate anxiety.
We had a chat about how I was feeling about everything and I explained that I have lost my self confidence and don't feel like I'm good enough for anything. So our main aim in the therapy is to work on my self confidence, which is where the Compassion Focused Therapy comes into it ( see my previous post). He said I need to have more compassion towards myself not others. I need to be kinder to myself and stop thinking of myself as a burden to Gary and my family and not to feel guilty about having a mental illness.
It was hard to admit to him that there had been times when I thought Gary would be better off without me as I am such a burden and strain. It would have been easy just to take all my tablets in one go and not wake up in the morning. But I couldn't do that to him or my friends and family. They mean the world to me. So I have to push those dark thoughts away and be grateful to have a loving, hard working, supportive husband and a family who love me no matter what.
So that was session one. I felt really tired and drained when I got home, but I'm glad I've got the extra help.
Until next time...
As it was the first session we had a catch up of where I am now, what I've been going through since my last sessions in October and what I want to get out of these sessions.
I completed some questions about how I'd been feeling over the last 2 weeks, with a choice of answers from 'not at all', 'occasionally', 'often' to 'all of the time'. After completing that he said my answers indicated that I was suffering with severe depression and moderate anxiety.
We had a chat about how I was feeling about everything and I explained that I have lost my self confidence and don't feel like I'm good enough for anything. So our main aim in the therapy is to work on my self confidence, which is where the Compassion Focused Therapy comes into it ( see my previous post). He said I need to have more compassion towards myself not others. I need to be kinder to myself and stop thinking of myself as a burden to Gary and my family and not to feel guilty about having a mental illness.
It was hard to admit to him that there had been times when I thought Gary would be better off without me as I am such a burden and strain. It would have been easy just to take all my tablets in one go and not wake up in the morning. But I couldn't do that to him or my friends and family. They mean the world to me. So I have to push those dark thoughts away and be grateful to have a loving, hard working, supportive husband and a family who love me no matter what.
So that was session one. I felt really tired and drained when I got home, but I'm glad I've got the extra help.
Until next time...
Saturday, 16 February 2019
Compassion Focused Therapy
After a phone call with my Occupational Health nurse, a lengthy telephone assessment with a counsellor and a telephone consultation with an independent doctor, it has been suggested that I have 14 sessions of Compassion Focused therapy.
Now I have never heard of this sort of therapy so had to Google it, as the next phone call I get about my treatment will be from the therapist who will be treating me and I'd like to know a bit about it first.
Apparently CFT is used to treat problems associated with shame, self-criticism and self-hate, which can be features of anxiety and depression. It helps people develop and work with experiences of inner warmth, safeness and soothing, via compassion and self-compassion.
The thing that has struck me about this is that I've always thought of myself as a compassionate person towards others and I'm pretty sure my friends and family would agree. OK, so I might be hard on myself and could give myself a break now and again, but with other people I am always there to lend an ear, or a shoulder and give a hug.
So I'm intrigued as to how this therapy is going to go and, of course I'm feeling anxious about it. I'll let you know how it goes....
Now I have never heard of this sort of therapy so had to Google it, as the next phone call I get about my treatment will be from the therapist who will be treating me and I'd like to know a bit about it first.
Apparently CFT is used to treat problems associated with shame, self-criticism and self-hate, which can be features of anxiety and depression. It helps people develop and work with experiences of inner warmth, safeness and soothing, via compassion and self-compassion.
The thing that has struck me about this is that I've always thought of myself as a compassionate person towards others and I'm pretty sure my friends and family would agree. OK, so I might be hard on myself and could give myself a break now and again, but with other people I am always there to lend an ear, or a shoulder and give a hug.
So I'm intrigued as to how this therapy is going to go and, of course I'm feeling anxious about it. I'll let you know how it goes....
Friday, 8 February 2019
Everyone is an expert.
I have found since I have been diagnosed with a mental illness that so many people suddenly think they know what's best for me! More so than my GP, therapist or Occupational Health Nurse, all of which I have spoken to in depth about my innermost thoughts and demons and cried my heart out to.
Some of the things I have heard or been told from these experts are;
"Wouldn't you be better off at work?"
"Keep yourself busy"
"Just have your glass half full and nothing can stop you"
"You are the only person stopping you getting better"
"Always look towards the light and then you'll never be in the shadows"
"Don't let it bother you"
"I wouldn't let things worry you too much"
"There's always someone worse off than you"
And so it goes on!
Thank you for your insightfulness Janice* if only I had known it was that simple. I shall relay these suggestions back to my medical team immediately! Look out for a press release with your findings. I'm sure your Phd is in the post.
I reckon there are many more that you and I have all heard and I really do wish it were that simple.....
* names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Some of the things I have heard or been told from these experts are;
"Wouldn't you be better off at work?"
"Keep yourself busy"
"Just have your glass half full and nothing can stop you"
"You are the only person stopping you getting better"
"Always look towards the light and then you'll never be in the shadows"
"Don't let it bother you"
"I wouldn't let things worry you too much"
"There's always someone worse off than you"
And so it goes on!
Thank you for your insightfulness Janice* if only I had known it was that simple. I shall relay these suggestions back to my medical team immediately! Look out for a press release with your findings. I'm sure your Phd is in the post.
I reckon there are many more that you and I have all heard and I really do wish it were that simple.....
* names have been changed to protect the guilty.
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